Sometimes it felt like I was constantly over-extending myself to fully accommodate for a partner with ADHD, yet I was always the problem. Now that I've been diagnosed with ADHD myself I want to ensure I don't cause the same experience for my future partner, as it can really prevent you from fully loving each other. ## Symptoms - Parent child dynamic - Typically, a person with [ADHD hyperfocuses](https://www.additudemag.com/understanding-adhd-hyperfocus/) on their partner in the early stages of a dating. They makes them feel like the center of their world. When the hyperfocus stops, the relationship changes dramatically. The non-ADHD partner takes it personally. - **Misinterpreting Symptoms.** You and your partner probably misinterpret each other’s motives and actions because you think you understand each other. - Need to interpret it from an ADHD standpoint - **Impulsive Responses.** ADHD symptoms alone aren’t destructive to a relationship; a partner’s response to the symptoms, and the reaction that it evokes, is. You can respond to a partner’s habit of impulsively blurting out things by feeling disrespected and fighting back. This will cause your ADHD partner to take up the fight. Or you can respond by changing your conversational patterns to make it easier for the ADHD partner to participate. Some ways to do this include speaking in shorter sentences and having your partner take notes to “hold” an idea for later. Couples who are aware of this pattern can choose productive responses. - **Nag Now, Pay Later.** If you have an ADHD partner, you probably nag your partner. The best reason not to do it is that it doesn’t work. Since the problem is the ADHD partner’s distractibility and untreated symptoms, not their motivation, nagging won’t help them get things done. It causes the ADHD partner to retreat, increasing feelings of loneliness and separation, and reinforces the shame that they feel after years of not meeting people’s expectations. Having a partner treat the ADHD symptoms, and stopping when you find yourself nagging, will break this pattern. ## Resources https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/wiki/index/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf ## Stories - [When to leave a relationship](https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/codependency-and-when-leave-relationship) - I too am married to a man with ADHD. He is the most caring, loving man I know, yet living with him is killing the person I am and the person I can become. He hasn't worked for 3 years yet he has vacationed 3 times this year. He continues to run up his credit card balance and sneaks/hides purchases in the house. He is always there to lend a helping hand for EVERYONE yet cannot help himself. He was diagnosed over 2 years ago and constantly makes excuses to avoid seeking help. I have tried to find experienced professionals to help him but haven't had any luck in our area in Wisconsin. I do not want to be his mother, his caretaker and shoulder all the responsibilities while he floats around like a butterfly doing whatever catches his interest for the moment. I want someone who will walk beside me and work with me, not against me. - My house is so embarrassing and non functional that I cannot have anyone over for a play date, dinner or for holidays! And his excuse…I have ADHD and I am trying but it is the way that you talk to me! Well I am sorry but when I have to tell 3 times about an appointment or that the trash needs to be taken out I get frustrated because I am already dealing with 3 kids, homework, sports schedules and my own schedule with work! UGH!!! He is on medication, sees a therapist and reads all of Hallowell's books but it has not changed. How can he function at work but can't at home? I feel unloved and so alone and now the kids are picking up on that Dad is just not around even when he is in the house. He is either on the computer or doing some sort project that has nothing to do with what needs to be done in the house (i.e. fixing his tractor seat vs fixing the bathroom sink that is leaking!) I want a partner not another child! But when do I say enough is enough? Why do I have to be the understanding one? Why can't he understand my side? Oh that's right, because he has ADHD! From what I read from your books Dr. Hallowell is that I need to understand, watch out for his self-esteem (What about mine?!?) and come up with all these strategies for him to help him on and by the way do all of this while in between taking my older son to football practice, one son to a playdate and one son for his PT/OT and Speech Therapy. When is my time???? There has to be a better way. I know that I sound bitter and angry but that is how I feel! Sorry but I feel like a single parent with a roomate who is draining me emotionally!! - I feel like I used to be an organized, smart woman who had a handle on and a solution to everything.  Now, I am just scatter-brained and chasing after appointments and medications.  My husband has been diagnosed with depression for almost  4 years now, and with ADHD for almost a year.  He tries, to some degree, but there are days he doesn't even take his medications.  What does that say?  How important is it to him to really change or help himself if he cannot even get out of bed every day and remember to take his medications?  He sleeps all the time and I just get so frustrated.  I understand, in my head, what the symptoms and issues are with ADHD.  That doesn't mean that my heart doesn't feel cheated and lonely and disrespected.  Three years ago, I found out my husband was having an affair, a real one.  Then, consequently, I found out he had been having online affairs for almost 3 years before that.  I have tried to help, we've been to counseling (he is seeing an individual counselor and we have a marriage counselor as well), I have helped him find good doctors and psychiatrists for his medications management and other physical symptoms, and all I feel like is that I have led a horse to water, but it still will not drink! ## Strategies set clear expectations if you have adhd you are used to juggling a lot of things during a crises, not setting expectations use it to keep you on track and see what's coming tell them ahead of time, because they will be fully focused until the time needed need an anchor to get pulled back capturing Hyperfixation sessions with an anchor need to externalize it so both parties understand at least show how you want to do it, check in regularly don't just talk about things when they're a problem if someone has ADHD then you shouldn't lash out or give consequences because of results, since they're not always a result of the individual, and can just happen due to biological discrepancies instead it's more effective to just continue working on the process and systems that lead to the result, and tracking progress over a longer time frame instead of being disappointed for them not doing something you ask them to, you need to understand that is not entirely in their control