---
## Notes
- [[Small talk]]
- [[Cultivating social skills]]
- [[Stages of conversation]]
- [[Types of conversation advancements]]
- [[Asking questions]]
- [[Compliments]]
- [[Listen before speaking]]
## Highlights
you cannot have deep, meaningful conversations with people without first getting to know them through small talk. People generally arenât willing to share intimately with someone theyâve just met, so small talk is a way to establish familiarity and comfort before getting to more meaningful and personal topics. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/dd304c62-a53d-432a-9124-5b6fa7077ace))
sociologists argue that people have learned to expect human conversations to offer them the same excitement, and they become bored and distracted when that doesnât happen. If this type of distraction prevents people from engaging in the early stages of conversationâsmall talkâit means they wonât progress to deeper, more meaningful conversation. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/6e891e40-dbfd-4860-b821-630302bb141f))
Stage 1: Small talk. This revolves around topics anyone can talk aboutâthe weather, current events, and so on.
Stage 2: Sharing facts. In this stage, you share objective, background facts about yourself, like where you live, what you do for work, and so on.
Stage 3: Sharing opinions and finding common ground. Here youâre trying to find things you might have a shared opinion on, like a favorite coffee shop or TV show. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/8db238f5-2734-4482-bb25-31f04050640a))
Prepare to Have Better Conversations ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/ce05dcef-adb3-49e5-a4b3-2b7130b12f6e))
Have more low-pressure interactions. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/8270f195-c268-46db-98fa-eac93659009a))
- đ muscle building - service workers are bored and theres like no harm
Prepare your voice for conversation. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/953e3ffb-dacb-42c2-b6ff-c300ba5cce82))
- đ read emotional work out loud
Develop a conversation résumé. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/79e04ba7-a65c-498c-a214-b738cc374189))
- đ things other people can engage with
1. whatâs going on in your day or week, 2) whatâs going on in your life more broadly, 3) unique experiences and traits you have, and 4) your takes on current events. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/cfe08134-43ed-4e34-a318-e373a4645ef7))
Expand your field of reference ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/24c1ff95-2b64-4bf7-aec0-25ff8e5a4e1c))
- đ interesting lives, talk in a range of topics
Starting a Conversation With Small Talk ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/efadf908-5b4a-4467-8cd1-8e68a82c5219))
Another reason we might be hesitant to approach someone we donât know is because of in-group bias. We tend to prefer being around people who are like us, and this preference might make us reluctant to reach out to someone who has different affiliations. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/7a2eec76-221d-4456-b130-d95311b1a631))
- đ explanation for high expectations
an icebreaker question might be, âIf you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?â This, in turn, will likely yield an answer that other people would also give, creating a sense of connectionâin any meeting, there will invariably be several people whoâd eat pizza for the rest of their lives. Those other people can then respond to that observation by chiming in with their opinion or feelingâwhich, in this case, might be the pizza topping they could eat for the rest of their lives. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/7312667d-bcb1-4330-9d54-2de010ffcec5))
Moving the Conversation Past Small Talk ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/4957d302-4dd9-4dda-b67c-92f2a8d45ec4))
fueled by a fear of silence, rather than a desire to sustain dialogue, and often doesnât lead to enjoyable conversation. Pauses in your conversation arenât necessarily a sign that the conversation has stalled; rather, they may actually give both parties the necessary moment to think about how they want to transition to the next topic.) ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/1a770125-26c3-4e8a-9194-130b10bd8a33))
fueled by a fear of silence, rather than a desire to sustain dialogue, and often doesnât lead to enjoyable conversation. Pauses in your conversation arenât necessarily a sign that the conversation has stalled; rather, they may actually give both parties the necessary moment to think about how they want to transition to the next topic.) ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/2b1e4935-54a2-48d3-a6b7-658667a42c94))
What to Do When Thereâs No Common Ground ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/e4e9ed21-2afa-4c06-8259-4cb8712dd631))
In Think Again, social scientist Adam Grant proposes a solution to this perception of irreconcilable difference: We should complexify our discussions. By this he means exploring or showing a spectrum of views on a topic, rather than just two opposing views. In conversation, you could complexify a discussion with someone youâd normally disagree with by talking about individual cases where one of your perspectives might not hold or make sense. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/1a906cc0-cb73-437d-98a4-e71bcffbf0b5))
Memorize Acronyms That Advance the Conversation ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/47221b11-93f2-444b-beec-cc96af5c3629))
HPM: History, Philosophy, Metaphor. History entails contributing a story from your personal history. Philosophy entails offering an opinion or personal philosophy on the topic. Metaphor entails going farther afield, bringing up something the topic reminds you of. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/670caaf8-a905-476b-88c0-74bfc81eebf7))
Each approach can lead you into new conversational territory, and theyâre represented by three acronyms: ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/26129a2c-d0a9-4192-a578-98d72dcfbb92))
SBR: Specific, Broad, Related. Specific entails asking a more detailed question about something said. Broad means asking a more general question. Related entails moving in a slightly different direction to ask about something tangential (if youâre talking about the croissant youâre both eating, a related question might be to ask if the other personâs ever been to France or if they like to bake themselves). ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/b14a11d7-f7bc-462d-b652-e9058c0a7680))
EDR: Emotion, Detail, Restatement. Emotion means positing what you think the other personâs feelings were about something they just said (âGoing to Paris must have been incredible!â). Detail means asking for more detail specifically in relation to the other person. (âHow did you like the Renoir paintings in the Louvre?â) Restatement simply entails restating what the other person just said to show them youâre listening and encourage them to elaborate (âThe painting had been stolen?!â). ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/4978faa3-d01c-4b7e-b415-aa106e18f4dd))
- đ requires you to have a good understanding of the person
### New highlights added July 26, 2023 at 7:46 PM
Free-Associate to Explore New Topics ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/1ef60880-3867-4af0-a2bf-48c17a58d452))
Free-associating means summoning to mind and mentioning the first thing (or few things) you think of in relation to the topic. This can move the conversation into new, fertile ground. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/72f845f0-bb34-42df-80f9-e2aebe02ef46))
Improving the Quality of Your Conversation Through Storytelling ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/3af9d8a3-a770-4744-8ef5-a83734e13636))
People would rather hear an interesting story that doesnât have much to do with what you were talking about than have a predictable exchange. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/499136c4-1873-4d1e-ba7a-91b95fc21d80))
furnishing details that will resonate with others or paint a picture of who you are. This, in turn, makes people feel more invested in your story and in you. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/b6f6f770-1ee8-4ed1-898e-deb6ec36b45a))
To tell a story well, King recommends keeping the story limited to one sentence describing one event, which evokes one sentiment (a structure he refers to as the 1:1:1 rule). ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/18e7c07b-2df7-4bbe-bd9d-00354a66e7d6))
How to Tell Mini-Stories ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/9fbb8370-70b3-42ed-b041-2785a1002006))
should be three sentences, and you should come up with a mini-story for common conversational topics, like work, your hometown, your week or weekend, and so on. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/9b48e842-c308-41cc-943a-880825e20d84))
âI grew up in a really nondescript town in the middle of nowhere. Our biggest claim to fame is that President Millard Fillmore once drove through it and said it was âforgettableââwhich is saying something, since people barely even remember who he was!â ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/a03f55b2-dd58-4d31-8b39-f8a012e69873)) ^go38zf
How to Take Care of Your Conversation Partner ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/47724932-30e1-4e12-a2c1-90270a16af95))
People are constantly thinking about their own lives, feelings, and problems, so to engage with you meaningfully, they must feel youâve acknowledged and empathized with whatâs going on in their lives. Once they feel cared for in this way, theyâll be able to listen to you in turn. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/b48b33c7-0ffb-4467-bda7-57ea38ec8a70))
Make Space for the Other Person to Contribute ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/5517be0f-ba88-449b-867e-30dc9aa90803))
not monopolizing the conversation ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/a3ab0e06-5563-402d-a863-1214eadde27b))
People enjoy conversations most when speaking time is split equally. This holds in conversations between strangers, acquaintances, and close friends, as well as when the speakers are extroverts or introverts. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/aaf40295-77c4-44ad-b29a-07cdd0572eeb))
To listen well and share the conversational space, King recommends the following:
Donât craft your response while the other person is still talking. Listen actively with an open mind and only formulate your response once theyâve finished.
Show the other person that youâre listening. You can do this through engaged facial expressions, verbalizations, and body language.
Donât stick to your point or story if the other person takes the conversation in another direction. Be willing to let go of what you wanted to say.
In general, try to talk less. People probably arenât as interested in your life as you are and donât care to hear about it endlessly. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/ce6f8ff9-8e32-4120-b5c6-4dda34c22a68))
Offer Thoughtful, Valuable Compliments ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/488848d9-2219-4687-8542-ed5d8406b1ee))
compliments that ingratiate you most effectively with the recipient target something the recipient can control or something the recipient has actively decided to do ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/1ff94f72-9467-4892-866d-88406119a974))
complimenting others on choices theyâve made to stand out from the crowd because these deliberate decisions reflect their identity and how they want to be perceived. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/911e0dca-b4f5-4f12-b0e5-9f53bb3b46b9))
Pose Thoughtful Questions That Prompt a Meaningful Contribution ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/4de4e804-3077-4b53-9e43-b50a069ee5b0))
master the art of asking questions that prompt meaningful, interesting answers ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/dbd7ae1d-67f5-45ae-a580-c0bfd02ebb9a))
Inquire about why someone feels a certain way or how they developed a belief. Seek to see the world through their eyes. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/05ae6cec-2b7a-4b00-bc55-854e22e61e30))
Follow-up questions ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/eb1ecc73-1ac7-4942-aa36-a1d3230ce0f0))
Talk about other things, like current events, your surroundings, new media youâre consuming, and so on. King notes that this is a great way into someoneâs personal thoughts if you donât feel comfortable asking about those outright. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/903fbcc9-42db-484d-946c-1bfbe4d49b2f))