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## Highlights
how can Nice Guys improve their lives? According to Glover, the key is to become an Ideal Man. The Ideal Man is—above all—self-accepting. Unlike the Nice Guy, he’s secure in his self-image, masculinity, and sexuality. This allows him to live the life he wants. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/de799ad4-451b-49d9-aca2-873f2a0c42b2))
says budding Nice Guys center their coping mechanisms around gaining approval. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/0853776e-c211-4f8a-afb1-5a065e514465))
guilt arises when we feel bad about our actions, shame comes from feeling bad about ourselves. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/75ea3836-b38c-430d-b2d4-c8b58fb0eeea))
Nice Guys will try to fix the reactions to their mistakes rather than accept responsibility for their actions ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/5df545ca-b617-4a17-81b4-b89b9aed3aa1))
Nice Guys will try to fix the reactions to their mistakes rather than accept responsibility for their actions. When “found out,” Nice Guys may become defensive, make excuses, or rationalize. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/a955c791-1248-4210-a4db-1baa8995b213))
They’re detached from masculinity and other men: Due to their poor paternal relationships, Glover says Nice Guys grew up associating masculinity with its negative traits, such as aggression and cruelty. Not only does this lead them to suppress their own masculinity (and thus good parts of themselves), but it also makes them isolated from other men ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/890dd5cf-a87c-43cf-9a67-4874f45d1db2))
the Nice Guy mindset stems from this unproductive roadmap:
Conceal your true self → Be who others want you to be → Have a perfect, fulfilling life ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/4cb417f7-ed1a-4c3e-88f8-db9ef30739fe))
the Nice Guy mindset originates in childhood when a boy learns—explicitly or implicitly from his parents—that he must be “good” to be loved. How does this belief form? It’s a vicious sequence of abandonment, shame, and self-doubt: ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/a39b9148-6d45-4cff-b80e-942cf58cd145))
In NMMNG, Glover delves into a handful of his patients’ childhoods. In order to pinpoint some of the environments that can ingrain the Nice Guy mindset early on, we’ve extracted some of the common situations found across the anecdotes:
Controlling, distant, or abusive fathers: Whether their fathers were demanding, not present, alcoholics, or violent, many Nice Guys lack a healthy paternal relationship and develop negative opinions of other men.
Lonely, clingy mothers: In this case, even if both parents were present, they likely weren’t affectionate with each other. Emotionally starved mothers often lean heavily on their children for support, which can lead to Nice Guys developing a codependent relationship with their mothers.
Strict or overprotective parents: Nice Guys who grew up in rigid or sheltered environments—including fundamental religious households that instill a fear of messing up or “sinning”—often took calculated action to avoid angering their parents. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/5e034df2-1937-4850-a0c3-6a8407a1aece))
operating under the belief that no one will love them as they are, Nice Guys will be just about anyone you want them to be. But their approval-seeking strategies usually leave everyone dissatisfied—themselves included ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/c7c2d140-9bd1-4d35-b962-8b63834b1819))
Who are you doing it for?
If you notice yourself doing something solely for the sake of others, Glover says you’re using it as an attachment. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/d500f4a0-b31a-4fd0-843f-3c23e5e69a0a))
subjects felt uncomfortable when they were led to believe their partner perceived them in a far more positive light than they did themselves ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/934c1db6-2a79-4e73-8d2b-26b470962477))
a distorted self-concept in which they believe—and want others to believe—they’re needless, low-maintenance guys (a trait they think is inherently good). ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/167fe25f-0740-42a6-a7bf-6c4d295c02dc))
We might fear being viewed as “needy” or fear abandonment if our needs become “too much” for others. She explains that this mindset often develops in childhood when parents ignore, downplay, or overreact to a child’s needs—emotional or otherwise. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/cb82dcbb-a30a-4393-b2d7-57b9b478323d))
a caregiving parent provides their child with unconditional love and care. Parents who caretake have their own needs in mind when “giving” to their child and often feel righteous or expect something in return for their “self-sacrifice.” These parents typically feel responsible for their child, rather than a responsibility to their child. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/1845e439-0262-4a63-b2ed-654aa6f94e83))
when a child grows up equating love with self-sacrifice—this being a key tenet of his parent’s caretaking, as noted above—this mindset may be carried into his adult relationships. In his book, The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck says this belief results in:
Social sadomasochism: This is an unconscious desire to be hurt in our relationships. The desire comes from an attachment to the moral superiority that comes with being the victim of mistreatment. In this case, you may enjoy feeling like “the good guy.” To uphold this dichotomy, you accept abuse from “the bad guy.”
Destructive nurturing: Otherwise known as caretaking. (In our case, the caretakee becomes the caretaker.) ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/c96d29ac-e586-4b5e-8db6-08da211c62f5))
When a child constantly has things done for him to meet his needs, he learns that 1. he’s not responsible for his own needs and 2. he lacks the confidence and abilities to tend to them. From there, the child grows dependent on his parents and the caretaking evolves into a form of control. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/67c56219-b2da-4197-a9cc-d5f2eff95c1b))
Genuinely caring for someone is not the same thing as caretaking. Nice Guys might think they’re caring, but Glover points out some major differences:
Caretaking
Caring
Gives based on the giver’s desires
Gives based on the receiver’s needs
Gives to fill a void
Gives out of an abundance of love
Gives to get
Gives to give ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/d212a7f6-c2ae-42c7-8f66-83ed9525c634))
Observe your day-to-day behaviors. Glover suggests you take a minute to acknowledge not only what you do but why you do it, especially in regards to your attachments. Ask yourself:
“Does this make me happy?”
“Who am I doing this for?”
“What do I want? What do I need?” ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/8d5af949-de15-4e65-ae3c-d636aefdb8af))
spending time with yourself gives you the opportunity to reflect on your wants, needs, feelings, and general life direction. Most importantly, Glover says, you make the decisions during this me-time. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/19c77d83-0b49-4f98-91a5-4a9ad31a6052))
ake responsibility for your needs. When you prioritize yourself, you assert new, more productive beliefs about yourself, your needs, and how to meet these needs. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/5679acf3-a204-4505-adca-075e05d586b7))
- đź’ instead of lashing out at your partner for them not acknowledging and giving you space and your ideal treatment, you take matters into your own hands since and put the responsibility on you.
As a man, Deida says it’s your responsibility to cut through female moods and emotions—as well as your own preoccupations with your duties—and provide you both with a clear direction.) ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/67cb898b-3ee1-440d-90fa-1834b013b490))
Try putting yourself first for a week. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/082fb3b8-1a45-4720-9f8a-b81db981118e))
patients’ covert contracts and resentment-fueled outbursts began to disappear. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/f630c845-9566-4e8d-a1cf-fa88fc11591b))
Takes time away from something or someone else: There will always be something else you could be doing, but taking care of your needs makes you a more available and present partner, parent, or employee/leader. ([View Highlight](https://www.shortform.com/app/highlights/6281e199-2403-4d4d-83dc-34b951fed74c))