A> ![INFO] Book Application
> [[My Outputs/My Book Applications/Self-Therapy A Step-by-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, a New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy Application]]
## Tasks
- [x] note-making for self-therapy [60m] 🆔 oeawv5 📅 2024-12-15
## Summary
The text explains how to work with different parts of the self in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. It emphasizes understanding and separating from painful exiles and concerned parts to facilitate healing. The goal is to develop trust with these parts and help them release their burdens for emotional well-being.
## Notes
- Wow, the whole conversation from chapter 1 is honestly quite impressive
- Really illuminates the idea of inner work to me, to be able to really unearth and communicate with these different parts of yourself
- These questions are really powerful for accessing the true Self, to be someone capable of nurturing and attending to these parts
- The way IFS inspires change
- You attend to their problems like you would to a child
- Warm up protectors to give access to exiles
- Warm up exiles to allow them to change or feel satisfied
- It's genuine dialogue between the parts, no? I think a guide would be quite helpful in this regard to help steer since it would be a lot for me initially to manage the resurfacing of thoughts/feelings and also analytically thinking on where to go next
-
## Highlights
If you embrace all of these wounded and protective parts inside of you as “real beings” who deserve compassion, understanding, and love, you can transform your psyche and create the joyful life you have always wanted. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je236q5hkvdfew7g05syaq9r))
- đź’ inner dialogue with the different parts of you
Sandy had a long-standing pattern of procrastination and depression, and now it was back.
Self-help books were somewhat useful; they gave her tips on mobilizing herself, rallying support, making decisions, and thinking positively. But these approaches ignore the crux of the problem. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je239wbet2er9rvnf9pgap0z))
- đź’ self help keeps you reliant, but ifs treats the root cause
The Busy Part is not really Sandy’s enemy at all. It is just trying to protect the Embarrassed Child; it is afraid she will be ridiculed again if Sandy tackles this video project. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je23byptferxjpjr26bhqa6n)) ^tx1llc
- đź’ busy is trying to protect and make up for the vulnerability of another part, but in traditional therapy you would see it as the problem because it is the one that is most apparent. IFS gives you a slightly different headspace that promotes wondering and deeper exploration to engage in dialogue with them and understand their motives as well. if we were to solely find ways to alleviate the busy part that we would just solve the busy part but then if we ask it why it's doing this and it points us to the anxious part then we're able to talk with the anxious part and then dig deeper into the problem
we view these changes as no more than slight shifts in mood or perspective, but, in fact, each shift marks the emergence of an entirely new subpersonality. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je4mgmzjz32zezxq04emmtgy))
- đź’ seeing it for what it really is, we dont have a shift in mood because our self is multi faceted ?
part of you is trying to help you feel good and avoid pain. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je4mr9vq21bngeedx31nzw1j))
- đź’ always has a positive intent rooted on childhood behaviors
*We welcome all our parts with curiosity and compassion.* We seek to understand each one and appreciate its efforts to help us, without losing sight of the ways it is causing problems. We develop a relationship of caring and trust with each part, and then take steps to heal it so it can function in a healthy way. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je4mx2k35mmz85b0wr0tyrsb))
- đź’ unconditional positive regard and deep listening to your self
Since parts are like little people inside you, you can make contact with them, get to know them, negotiate with them, encourage them to trust you, help them communicate with each other, and give them what they need to heal. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je4nzds1bejh98wzn45v5smg)) ^eclpu1
- đź’ It's for the promotes the capacity for dialogue
they are literally alive and have their own motivations and are their own beings they have to listen to
There are two kinds of extreme parts—protectors and exiles. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je4p7hvetzvcbzmvzd856vkn))
Exercise: Learning about Protectors
Think about two of your protectors. For each one, write out answers to the following questions:
• What is its role in helping you manage your life and interact with the world?
• How does it relate to other people?
• How does it protect you from pain?
• What is its positive intent for you?
• What is it trying to protect you from? ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je4pydxdrbgxwcx8fh6zn37s)) ^pv37vy
- Tags: #exercise
Because exiles hold pain from your past, they are pushed away by protectors. They are exiled from your inner life and kept in dark dungeons away from the light of consciousness. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je4r10vwj6ey50nfwrks4cyh))
- đź’ we don't have the capacity to manage these traumatic or impactful situations when they happen early on in life, so we just repress them and they only have time trees surface through what I'm assuming is the associative network
before you are even consciously aware of this, a protector takes over to prevent you from feeling that excruciating pain. There are many possibilities for what such a protector might do. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je4r4tb1rtpj2k0sb34qn5xd))
- đź’ these are manifested through coping mechanisms it seems like
Exercise: Learning about Exiles
Think about two of your exiles. For each one, please write out the answers to the following questions:
• What emotions does it feel?
• What pain does it carry?
• What is it afraid of?
• What negative beliefs does it have?
• What situation or relationship is it stuck in from childhood?
• What current situations tend to trigger it?
• What protectors come up when that happens? ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je4r5wsdqf4gtyqef7eqkdvx)) ^03arwh
- Tags: #exercise
The Self is *connected.* When you are in Self, you naturally feel close to other people and want to relate in harmonious, supportive ways. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je4rccyv2a32xw0kwbqppfdy))
- đź’ being in the state also helps you feel more connected with the world not just your other parts
I wonder how tied this is to ego death when on psychedelics because on there you feel much more connected and you overcome these maybe different parts that you have of yourself to have this more high order consciousness
The Self is *curious*. When you are in Self, you are curious about other people in an open, accepting way. When you inquire into what makes them tick, it’s because you want to understand them, not judge them. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je4rdjp78xn122a0vh4zpxq4))
- đź’ this just sounds like a need for cognition fueled by unconditional positive regard
The Self is *compassionate*. Compassion is a form of kindness and love that arises when people are in pain. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je4renpaarxr3j0n77qn8jye))
- đź’ self-compassion is really important for letting down the guard of these exiles and calming the protectors down
It chooses the best course of action in each moment and calls on your healthy parts to contribute their gifts. Your parts trust the Self and count on it for wisdom. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je783zt2y10ckrzat4t329ww))
- đź’ The self is the same self mentioned as part of having participatory knowing, and parts are perspectival knowing?
As a result of childhood incidents, our exiles take on pain and negative beliefs, which, in IFS, are called *burdens*. Little Billy had taken on the burdens of worthlessness and fear. Burdens are not intrinsic to the part; they “land on” the part as a result of what happened in the past. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je789a1110ngkrdw5grkdg55))
Parts aren’t defined by the negative beliefs and emotions they took on in childhood, which IFS calls their burdens. They have their own potential that is intrinsic to them. That is why they can let go of a burden and take on a new role in the psyche. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je7a2s88e8c63c1ednqx1w24))
IFS has discovered that it is helpful to release a burden to one of the basic elements in nature—earth, fire, wind, water, or light. This signifies that the burden won’t come back because it has been carried away, or transformed, by something elemental and powerful. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je7a0ychn8cdtm7xd1ca7eta))
*The Confuser only needed to perform its protective role of creating confusion as long as the Little Girl and the Baby were in pain. It has been paying attention, so it realizes that role is no longer needed and it can now take on a new one.*
**J:** Good. Ask her if she would like to have a different role in your psyche.
**C:** Well, let’s see. She wants to be a kind of guide or mentor for the Little Girl, so she won’t feel alone. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je7a4mndfp72a9tnjenwd6zh))
- đź’ really cool how parts can evolve and change
Here are the five steps in getting to know a protector, labeled P1-P5. “P” stands for protector. These steps constitute the content of Part I.
P1: Accessing a part
P2: Unblending from the target part
P3: Unblending from a concerned part
P4: Discovering a protector’s role
P5: Developing a trusting relationship with a protector ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je9qsv29xtd6324v87z03vcw)) #missed
Let’s suppose you have an issue you would like to work on. How do you know what parts to explore? In this section, we will show you how to determine which parts are involved with an issue. In IFS, issues are sometimes referred to as trailheads. A *trailhead* is an experience or a difficulty in your life that will lead to interesting parts if you follow it. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je9qwyxzvmd3vysq5ghhdcgz))
Identifying the Parts at a Trailhead ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je9r6n5knpv1r611w8ach2mz))
- đź’ feelings, sensations, thoughts, behavior, desires
many parts may be activated by a single trailhead, and they interact with each other in attempts to influence her feelings and behavior. This brings up the question of how you tell one part from another. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je9rany6t071anh0ejvcnjh2))
- đź’ opposites are different, dependencies are different, similarities are only discovered through exploration
Exercise: Identifying the Parts at a Trailhead
Choose a trailhead that you are interested in exploring. Using the approach described above, make a list of each of the parts involved with that trailhead. For each part, write the following if you can:
• Name of part
• What it feels emotionally
• What it looks like
• What it feels like in your body and where
• What it says
• How it makes you behave
• What it wants ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je9rbyy4n1wb1vf99qv6syew)) ^8l6n0z
- Tags: #exercise
Step P1: Accessing a Part ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je9re5k90gsw4q8fdvr5ybne))
There are a variety of internal channels for accessing a part: ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je9rgzpryy65hv7cj16z5f7c))
- đź’ feeling, body sensations, images (you or abstract), their voice as you speak for them, written dialogue, direct knowing
At any given moment, there are one or more parts that are *activated* because of a situation you are in or are thinking about. Each activated part influences your feelings, your body, your thoughts, and your behavior. The rest of your parts are dormant but can be activated at any moment. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je9rpag32zed5174bza6ee9j))
However, even if a part is not activated, you can still access it and work with it. You just need to activate the part first. A good way to do this is to remember a recent time when it *was* activated and imagine that you are in that situation now. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je9rr63vs7dm8t8b6mm70vkf))
Exercise: Accessing a Part that Isn’t Activated
Pick one of your parts that isn’t activated right now. Imagine that you are in a situation in which the part is activated and notice how that feels. From that place, try accessing the part using each of the channels—feeling, body, image, and internal voice. Write down what you experience:
• Name of part
• What it feels emotionally
• What it looks like
• What it feels like in your body and where
• What it says ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01je9rt19n8sg20xxvm5m93khn)) ^427r9a
- Tags: #exercise
Exercise: Accessing Parts with a Partner
If you are working with a partner in doing exercises, take turns where each of you practices accessing parts in each of three ways: ^7fscn7
1. Starting with a part you know,
2. Starting with a trailhead, and
3. Starting with your current experience. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jes8adzarendgpeqj4es6v2w))
- Tags: #exercise
Exercise: Noticing a Part in Real Time
Choose a part that is activated with some frequency in your life that you want to learn more about. Over the next week, you will practice noticing when this part is activated. First think about which cues that will tip you off that it is activated. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jes87zwfv27ke3sgxgk0sjyc)) ^lnnruc
- Tags: #exercise
Notes to take each time it happens:
• Situation
• How you experience the part
• What about this situation triggered the part ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jes89ynsm2s9ch2w3f6e71jq)) ^ilsf8t
a blended part to separate ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jetese2mzn1d4njnzewfjv6f))
- đź’ you can tell you're blended when you have trouble perceiveng the state or emotions you are feeling towards a certain part
Exercise: Unblending from the Target Part
Do a short IFS session with a part that is blended with you at the time. There are three ways to do this: ^kwszgw
1. When you are starting the session, see if there is a part blended with you. Choose that as your target part.
2. If there is a part that is blended with you a lot and you know what external events tend to trigger it, arrange to do a session on a day when it is likely to be activated and blended with you.
3. Do a session on the spur of the moment when a part is blended with you. Practice unblending as discussed in this chapter. Then go ahead and get to know the part a little. Ask what it is feeling or what it is concerned about. Ask it what it wants you to know about itself. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jetex6q4yzw6az7rqztswc27))
You are just explaining what happened or how someone has treated you. You have gotten emotionally pulled into the story and can’t view it objectively. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jetez80kmdwz59d01bt640t1))
- đź’ sign of being blended, need to continue looking at it while separated
Exercise: Daily Parts Check-In
For the next week, take a little time each day to check in with your parts. Notice which parts are activated at that moment as you learned to do in Chapter 4. By doing this regularly, you will get used to paying attention to your inner family. Plan a certain time each day to do this exercise. Some people prefer to do it first thing in the morning, others at night before they go to bed. Make a list of each part that is activated at that time. For each one, fill in the following answers, if you know them:
• Name of part
• What it feels
• What it looks like
• Where it is located in your body
• What it says
• How it makes you behave
Don’t be concerned if you don’t know all this information about the part.
Just fill in what you can. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jetf22zgpg5aacy0x9r03wyq)) ^8kcki1
- Tags: #exercise
any protector can also be a concerned part if it has concerns about your target part. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jetj2fsz7878yh9n500q0cy8))
The concerned part doesn’t have to go away or change what it feels. It just needs to unblend from you enough that you can be open and curious about the target part. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jetj5eyzmkhj06q1yn7wzzej))
- đź’ When you're in the self mode you have to attempt to everyone before you can attend to the target
> You can take further steps toward unblending, which can be summarized as follows:
> 1. Explain to the concerned part the value of stepping aside. Parts have their own intelligence and are open to reasoning.
> 2. If it still won’t, ask it what it is afraid would happen if it did, and reassure it that you can handle whatever it fears.
> 3. If it still won’t, make the concerned part the target part and work with it. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jetj9spxv4cy3hf92b1vf34p)) ^bh9jux
- đź’ for when a part won't unblend even when you demand it to
Sometimes positive feelings can interfere with your being in Self. If you admire the target part to such an extent that you lose sight of how it is causing you problems, you are not in Self. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jetjsgsjd032gg0czyrmmm6e))
- đź’ the self seems to be rational in relation to your best interests as well, not just completely favoring of the positive
Exercise: Unblending from a Concerned Part
Choose a protector that you don’t like or have concerned feelings about. For example, you might judge it or be angry at it or want to get rid of it. You also might feel distant from it or scared of it. These attitudes come from a concerned part of you. First access the protector (P1), and then unblend from it, if necessary (P2). Then practice unblending from the concerned part (P3), as you have learned to do in this chapter. Then go ahead and get to know the protector at least a little (P4). ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jetjwmrsvt11ex5dnj1e6xbj)) ^iudng2
- Tags: #exercise
Help Sheet 1: Getting to Know a Protector ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jetk1m0792hxjkxr6akgnden))
- Tags: #exercise
Exercise: Keeping Track of Your Parts
Look at the list of parts you made in Chapter 4. Add to this list all the new parts you have discovered since then, with descriptive paragraphs for each. Add information to the descriptions of the old parts, reflecting anything new you have learned about them since then. For each part, include the following information (if you know it):
• Name of protector
• What it feels
• What it looks like
• Where it is located in your body
• What it says
• How it makes you behave
• What situations activate it
• What concerned parts react to it
• Other information
Each time you do a session or exercise, add to your list and descriptions. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jetky1646g91ykr80ym9jssy)) ^5siyrp
- Tags: #exercise
Exercise: Working with a Trailhead in Real Time
Choose a trailhead that you are curious about.
The exercise is to notice, over the next week, when this trailhead is activated and then access the parts involved. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jevprvmvab51km9nnm04mcv1)) ^zv969j
- Tags: #exercise
If so, did you access the parts involved? If you didn’t, what kept you from doing this?
Did you fail to notice that it was activated?
Did you notice but not do the exercise?
If you did the exercise, what did you learn from it?
Take notes and try to answer the above five questions each night. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jevpsft0jf75bnwxhk839f6z)) ^z7dn4q
- Tags: #exercise
This lack of communication might be happening because a concerned part is blocking your access to the target protector. It thinks that protector is too dangerous to connect with. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeydj0khv2f7j3xjed6zdpfh))
- đź’ my experience with trying to talk with the TTYD blob, my galio protector was in the way
calling forward any part that doesn’t want you to talk to the target protector. Or you can check inside to see if there is a part like this. When you find it, work with it the way you would with any concerned part (see Chapter 6). Explain that you will stay in Self and won’t let the target protector take over, and ask it to step aside. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeydkcvpjvn56g8kbj1hb1tz))
most likely reason is that it doesn’t trust you. First, ask the protector whether or not it trusts you. Even if it won’t respond to any of your other questions, it is likely to respond to this one. If it doesn’t trust you, it will probably say so. There are two reasons why a part might not trust you. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeydmay4zqnjv0nt42ab5pdv))
One possibility is that you aren’t coming purely from Self, even though you believe you are, because you are blended with a concerned part. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeydmjk08hn6nnq18v6h9fwc))
Any sort of judgment will make them feel that it is not safe to talk to you. In some cases, they will talk, but they won’t reveal much of themselves to you. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeydmwhctpxk3a7mz63z2r05))
Ask yourself what you are feeling toward this protector. Look for any subtle angry or judgmental parts. If you discover one, ask it to step aside, and if this isn’t enough, work with it in the way you have learned to work with concerned parts in Chapter 6. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeydnbxk9zvmnj52k38mncfk))
Another possibility is that the target protector has suffered hurt, abandonment, or betrayal in the past, and now it doesn’t trust anyone, including you. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeydq05rcfs2r3ayfmga5sdd))
- đź’ probably my reason đź’€
Just offer it your attention without hoping for anything in return. Don’t be in a hurry to get on with the process. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeydqwt8e6xg9cvv1ca8bcep))
would just sit quietly with it until it got used to your presence. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeydrd5283rfrtpf0r8wfytf))
Once the part is willing to talk, ask it what it doesn’t trust about you. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeydxke66162tey068pk55b3))
It may not trust that you are strong enough or intelligent enough to handle the situations it is concerned about. It may expect you to abandon or attack it if it opens up to you. It may be afraid you will dismiss it. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeye53bgy67rsrsmwazj1ara))
An important aspect of gaining its trust is for it to feel heard by you. When this has happened, you can reassure the part that you won’t treat it the way it was hurt in the past. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeye6xedrxhd6dkqk1hgypsc))
It may resist by saying, “You weren’t there for me back then when I needed someone, so why should I trust you now?” Apologize to it, and explain that you were young, too, and didn’t have the resources or understanding that you have now. Let it know that now you are older and wiser, and are there for it. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeye74ag5gdvdnrmzdhp011d))
Just continue this kind of respectful, non-coercive interaction and gradually move toward asking whatever additional questions might be needed. This dialogue will eventually build enough trust that the protector will allow you to work with and heal the exile it is protecting. Once that has happened, it will probably be able to trust you completely. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeye89v71p9gea76t671231h))
I’m not sure what you mean by that.
**J:** Focus your attention on him—the image or the sense of him in your body. Do this from an open place where you are just receptive to him and you aren’t in a hurry for him to open up to you.
**C:** That’s not easy to do. Just sit here? For how long?
**J:** It sounds like there may be an impatient part of you here now. Check to see if there is a part that is impatient with the idea of just being with this part. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeyed56j59nyqfbmd5b7cz42))
- đź’ you cant be patient for the sake of advancing the practice, you have to genuinely behave as if you are willing to sit with them and just genuinely listen to them even if it's going to take a lot of your time
Exercise: Gaining a Part’s Trust
Choose a protector that you have tried to work with that hasn’t been responsive to you. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeyekkhdar7a50fg11tmsnm9)) ^wruwt2
- Tags: #exercise
Exercise: Helping a Protector to Relax in Real Time
Think of a situation in which a protector gets triggered that causes you to behave in a problematic way.
Do a session in which you get to know the protector that is causing the difficulty. Form a trusting relationship with this protector.
Name of protector
Describe how it behaves
If you were able to act from Self, how would you like to behave?
Ask the protector if it will let you lead the next time you are in such a situation. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeyew3tw66xrdzp5y2jskjdw)) ^f7ta99
- Tags: #exercise
There are six common types of protectors that can derail your work—judgmental parts, avoiders, intellectualizers, impatient parts, inadequate parts, and skeptics. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeyfezhq421t9ywb3d15jq10)) ^97jgza
By now, you see all the damage this part has caused and you want to get rid of it. You can’t help feeling resentment towards it for blocking your connections with people. These negative feelings don’t come from Self but from a Judgmental Part that has crept in and blended with you. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jeyfjw0gmmpw5xhdyk377t1f))
- đź’ sounds like self has to stay detached
Ask it to apply its skepticism after the session. Skepticism can be very useful if it is applied at the right time. At the wrong time, it will derail the process. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf0w342x50q5hjnjvpveppp9))
- đź’ still acknowledging its value but to do so you have to deploy at the right time
There is no intellectual way to distinguish one part from another. It’s simply intuitive. The way you tell if the hurt is a different part from the sadness is to feel into it with that question in mind. You will get a felt sense of whether they are two different parts or just one part. Or you could ask the parts and they will probably tell you. If you check inside and don’t get an answer to this question, it simply means that you don’t yet have full access to the part or parts. Keep working with them, and in a while you will know. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf0wj0px42z7bkerfwbm2jgz))
When you have chosen a part to re-access, remember how you knew the part in that session through a visual image, body sensation, emotion, and/or internal voice. Re-access the part using that modality. For example, if you had an image of the Caretaker as a mother with an apron, use that image to re-access the part. Ask the part what it is feeling now and if it is ready to continue interacting with you. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf0x005b1yw2b6127nsgr9sm))
This is in contrast to many therapies that just try to get past protectors to heal exiles. They don’t respect and connect with protectors, so the protector’s healing is often incomplete. And protectors are the parts that run our lives. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf0x23c2c2rs8r6sq7bcrzna))
- đź’ differentiation, attending to all parts, protector is respected and given permission to change at the end
Here is the entire sequence of steps for the IFS process. They generally happen in sequence, but there are times when they naturally need to occur in a somewhat different order.
1. Getting to know a protector
• P1: Accessing a part
• P2: Unblending from the target part
• P3: Unblending from a concerned part
• P4: Discovering a protector’s positive intent
• P5: Developing a trusting relationship with a protector
2. Getting permission to work with an exile
3. Getting to know an exile
• E1: Accessing an exile
• E2: Unblending from an exile
• E3: Unblending from a concerned part
• E4: Learning about an exile
• E5: Developing a trusting relationship with an exile
4. Accessing and witnessing childhood memories
5. Reparenting an exile
6. Retrieving an exile
7. Unburdening an exile
8. Transforming a protector ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf0x5bt51cgesmarcznpts1n))
Protectors will usually tell you quite clearly what they are afraid of. Here are the eight most common fears of protectors and how to address them so the protector will allow you to access the exile. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf0xbswvhpptygtxppw9k0zg))
. The Exile’s Pain Is Too Much ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf0xpwwxqzab6mmthhgxd0zx))
- đź’ we know our own limits and we are in self so we can approach it from a whole place
There Is No Point ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf0xrmp5q1wt248v02ypzkww))
- đź’ faith that ifs is proven
The Protector Doesn’t Want to Be Eliminated ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf0xs3aaj6c68y6mfhtg09yw))
- đź’ can change roles
The Exile Will Be Harmed ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf0xscmw9j6rk2fndt5enrmn))
- đź’ check in with yourself to see if theres any signs. otherwise, just warm up
The Protector Doesn’t Trust Your Competence ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf0xts7qdtgwtyqqkmtncqnq))
- đź’ acknowledge the quest for training
know your limits
A Secret Will Be Revealed ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf0xws88xvf45c3dnbap7yw4))
- đź’ no longer a child but an adult
A Dangerous Protector Will Be Triggered ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf0xxp30eqb9y5awej7mzvay))
- đź’ diffuse the firefighter by working with it
The Exile Will Re-experience the Wound. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf0xysb7v6ff1dy4xgspbzcm))
However, the truth is that the exile is stuck in that childhood situation of wounding. It is *already* experiencing the wound. The protector is just keeping you from feeling this. If you explain this to the protector, and it will probably give you permission to access the exile. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf0xn2973antxyvjq4jndmn3)) ^8epa5o
- đź’ i like this perspective, the exile wasn't actually fully resolved so it had to just resort to protection, but now that you're in self you can help it
Difficult work projects. When some piece of a project is more complex and taking longer than I thought, I focus on it intensely for hours trying to get it done while ignoring my bodily needs, any awareness of myself, and any other tasks that need attention. I watch myself getting sucked in, but I can’t pull away. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf4h3nkqmtjmpbqta2pmdb6b)) ^zgfvg7
- đź’ literally me
Make a point of communicating your compassion to the exile. This can be done in words, but it is even more effective if you communicate it though your heart directly. Take a moment to feel the actual body sensations that go with your feeling of compassion. You may feel a soft, warm, glow in your heart, for example. Then let your loving kindness radiate from your heart to the exile. Often you will feel the exile in a certain place in your body; you can allow the compassion to flow from your heart to that place. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf3mpwxf0k7wjftpszp1047h)) ^6tmg9c
Help Sheet 2: Getting to Know an Exile ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf4c90j8xth0vdfnnzm8djqe))
- Tags: #reference
If you have a purely intellectual understanding of the memory, that probably won’t lead to healing. The memory must be opened up emotionally *and* intellectually so it is both felt and understood. However, this doesn’t mean that *you* need to feel the exile’s emotions. It is usually enough for her to feel them, ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf4cwn6bsz76f0pactwmab3s)) ^m09nat
• the experience is completed and integrated, and the physiological stress reaction can subside, as we discussed earlier.
• The exile gets to be fully understood by the Self. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf4cx9n7rkhp9r8bgxqq9b5v))
Exercise: Accessing and Witnessing a Childhood Memory
Do a session in which you access the childhood memory of an exile and witness it. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf4dcc1v9d3b9h21ttfekz9p)) ^nxfg9g
- Tags: #exercise
Step 5: Reparenting an Exile
The Self can provide the exile with a new positive experience to replace the original painful one. During the witnessing step, the exile showed you a memory. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf60x4sssqtn9gxcja0jg0rp)) ^kh2sgg
Or has she slipped back into the pain she felt in childhood? Perhaps something is happening in your current life that is disturbing her. Take a brief moment to witness what the exile is feeling. Then repeat the reparenting that you gave her in the session. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf61ttqxq8sny5q89qpm3y6c))
To continue the above example, suppose the Loving/Hurt Exile is hurt so many times that a Self-Sufficient Part eventually decides that there is no use continuing to reach out because each time you do, you are wounded. It cannot make your mother give you what you need, so its only solution is to close down the need itself to prevent continued wounding. The Self-Sufficient Part has now become a Shut-Down Protector. Shutting off your needs is its role and its burden, especially shutting off the needs of the Loving/Hurt Exile. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf623rtv9sehppa1q84r88ms)) ^0e5r0k
- đź’ parts end up taking initiative to protect exiles, this is coping but its not one where you intentionally resolve it with the Self, which makes it not truly fix the root incident
P1. Accessing a Part
If the part is not activated, imagine yourself in a recent situation when the part *was* activated. Sense the part in your body or evoke an image of the part.
P2. Unblending Target Part
Check to see if you are charged up with the part’s emotions or caught up in its beliefs right now. If so, you are blended. Check to see how you feel toward the target part right now. If you can’t tell, you may be blended. If you are blended with the target part, here are some options for unblending.
• Ask the part to separate from you so you can get to know it.
• Move back internally to separate from the part.
• See an image of the part at a distance from you or draw the part.
• Visualize the part in a room to provide a container for it.
• Do a short centering/grounding meditation.
If the part doesn’t separate, ask what it is afraid would happen if it did. Explain to it the value of separating and reassure it about its fears.
P3. Unblending Concerned Part
Check to see how you feel toward the target part right now. If you feel compassionate, curious, and so on, you are in Self, so you can move on to P4. If you don’t, then unblend the concerned part:
• Ask the concerned part if it would be willing to step aside (or relax) just for now so you can get to know the target part from an open place.
• If it does, check again to see how you feel toward the target part, and repeat.
• If it isn’t willing to step aside, explain to it the value of stepping aside.
• If it still won’t, ask what it is afraid would happen if it did, and reassure it about its fears.
• If it still won’t, make the concerned part the target part and work with it.
P4. Discovering a Protector’s Role
Invite the part to tell you about itself. The part may answer in words, images, body sensations, emotions, or direct knowing. Here are questions you can ask the part:
• What do you feel?
• What are you concerned about?
• What is your role? What do you do to perform this role?
• What do you hope to accomplish by playing this role?
• What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do this?
P5. Developing a Trusting Relationship with a Protector
You can foster trust by saying the following to the protector (if true):
• I understand why you (do your role).
• I appreciate your efforts on my behalf.
• I know you’ve been working very hard. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf7691gn9peh7yzr9402c8mq))
2. Getting Permission to Work With an Exile
If necessary, ask the protector to show you the exile. Ask its permission to get to know the exile.
If it won’t give permission, ask what it is afraid would happen if you accessed the exile.
Possibilities are:
• The exile has too much pain. Explain that you will stay in Self and get to know the exile, not dive into its pain.
• There isn’t any point in going into the pain. Explain that there is a point—you can heal the exile.
• The protector will have no role and therefore be eliminated. Explain that the protector can choose a new role in your psyche.
3. Getting to Know an Exile
**E1: Accessing an Exile**
Sense its emotions, feel it in your body, or get an image of it.
**E2: Unblending From an Exile**
If you are blended with an exile:
• Ask the exile to contain its feelings so you can be there for it.
• Consciously separate from the exile and return to Self.
• Get an image of the exile at a distance from you.
• Do a centering/grounding induction.
If the exile won’t contain its feelings:
• Ask it what it is afraid would happen if it did.
• Explain that you really want to witness its feelings and story, but you need to be separate to do that.
Conscious blending: If you can tolerate it, allow yourself to feel the exile’s pain.
**E3: Unblending Concerned Parts**
Check how you feel toward the exile. If you aren’t in Self or don’t feel compassion, unblend from any concerned parts. They are usually afraid of your becoming overwhelmed by the exile’s pain. Explain that you will stay in Self and not let the exile overwhelm.
**E4: Finding Out about an Exile**
Ask: What do you feel? What makes you feel so scared or hurt (or any other feeling)?
**E5: Developing a Trusting Relationship with an Exile**
Let the exile know that you want to hear its story.
Communicate to it that you feel compassion and caring toward it.
Check to see if the exile can sense you there and notice how if it is taking in your compassion. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf7633hzpqwe7zkebxb3cmwy))
Exercise: Noticing an Exile in Real Time
Choose an exile that you have already gotten to know. Over the next week, notice when this exile becomes activated. To help you with this, think of the kinds of situations that usually trigger this exile.
When are those situations likely to occur this week?
Each time you are in one, pay careful attention to see if the exile is triggered. If it is, what does it feel? Does a protector become activated to guard against this exile? If so, which protector and how does it act?
If there is no protector, how does the exile act? ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf762ferrbs1q8h06ksfdwn0))
- Tags: #exercise
There are other types of memories. Some arise as generalized images that represent your relationship with a parent (hostile, controlling, distant) or a certain way you were treated in your family (ignored, blamed), rather than a specific incident. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf8fg0dnma1xmxm4cby1wkjh))
The part doesn’t have to believe in what we can do; it just needs to allow the work to proceed. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf8fzwa92wfdaj1ddb046ch5))
- đź’ the best proof is through action
While the burden is being released, sense what it feels like as it leaves the exile’s body. This helps to make the experience more palpable and to ground it in your tissue. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf6hn5zwj0v95305b6dh1wbx))
Notice what positive qualities or feelings arise in her now that the burden is gone. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf6hq3v050ptrpecy1bhd0mc))
Exercise: Releasing a Protector
Choose an exile that you have already unburdened, if possible. If you don’t have one, choose one that you have worked with to some extent, and carry the IFS process through to unburdening. Then re-access the protector of that exile and help it to release its protective role as you have learned to do in this chapter.
Protector
Protector’s role
Exile
Exile’s burden
Is the protector now ready to let go of its role?
If not, why not?
If so, what new role would it like to play?
Are there any parts that are uncomfortable with these changes? What are their concerns?
How did you reassure them?
When you imagined the external situation, what did you feel?
Were any parts triggered?
Does any future work need to be done? ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01jf6jvhpkncq1e9nq0d9x710m))
- Tags: #exercise