## Highlights Felix would ask the scientists questions, and occasionally talk about himself. When someone revealed something personal, Felix would reciprocate with a story from his own life. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97e2gfmya60xw6mwn1k0qd2)) “I don’t really need an answer,” he said. “But I want to point out that, in a room filled with professional colleagues, and after less than an hour of conversation, you’re willing to talk about one of the most intimate parts of your life.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97e46ne722ye0t4g2zh2392)) Felix had listened closely, had asked questions that drew out people’s vulnerabilities, how they had all revealed meaningful details about themselves. Felix had encouraged the scientists to explain how they saw the world, and then had proven to them that he had heard what they were saying. Whenever someone said something emotional—even when they didn’t realize their emotions were on display—Felix had reciprocated by voicing feelings of his own. All those small choices they had made, he explained, had created an atmosphere of trust. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97e4ym7sbsfs4zz40m9ytxp)) The first one is that many discussions are actually three different conversations. There are practical, decision-making conversations that focus on *What’s This Really About?* There are emotional conversations, which ask *How Do We Feel?* And there are social conversations that explore *Who Are We?* We are often moving in and out of all three conversations as a dialogue unfolds. However, if we aren’t having the same *kind* of conversation as our partners, at the same moment, we’re unlikely to connect with each other. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97eexqcr08k0m9k49d9yf3g)) Our goal, for the most meaningful discussions, should be to have a “learning conversation.” Specifically, we want to learn how the people around us see the world and help them understand our perspectives in turn. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97eh97h1kr6gy755acdngwh)) How do you convince them to let down their guard? How do you show you’re listening? ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97ex2wez979zar38pt1g0hv)) As they monitored the speaker’s brain alongside the brains of her listeners, they saw the listeners’ minds synchronize with the narrator, until they were all experiencing the same feelings of stress and unease, joy and humor, at the same time, as if they were telling the story together. What’s more, some listeners synchronized particularly closely with the speaker; their brains seemed to behave nearly precisely like her brain. When questioned afterward, those tightly aligned participants could distinguish between the story’s characters more clearly and recall smaller details. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97f5hadexn66qs66wbbtzx0)) - 💭 the goal of effective conversation is to mirror each other's brain signals neurally entrained High centrality participants tended to ask *ten to twenty times* as many questions as other participants. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97fgcm9g56c52mvtm58k8ec)) But the most important difference between high centrality participants and everyone else was that the high centrality participants were constantly adjusting *how* they communicated, in order to match their companions. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97fgrtev96e4dwm0w18w1ah)) - 💭 sounds like infj social chameleons 💀 were much more “likely to adapt their own brain activity to the group,” and “played an outsized role in creating group alignment by facilitating conversation.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97fjejrz0n62fd0x0typjfg)) - 💭 sounds a lot like active open mindedness combined with socratic dialogue they had enormous influence on how people ended up answering the questions they had been assigned. In fact, whichever opinion the high centrality participants endorsed usually became the group’s consensus answer. But that influence was almost invisible. When polled afterward, few people realized how much the high centrality participants had swayed their own choices. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97fmh7c2bcqg7pk9r32y469)) - 💭 emphasizes the silent aspect of it So, to become a supercommunicator, all we need to do is listen closely to what’s said and unsaid, ask the right questions, recognize and match others’ moods, and make our own feelings easy for others to perceive. Simple, right? ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97fp7h445gnvgyjxcsz9v2a)) - 💭 concise summary of traits Lawler was in his early twenties at the time, and didn’t have children. He had nothing in common with this woman, and had no idea how to reply. But he had to say *something.* So he started rambling about his own family. It was hard working for his dad, he told her. His brother was a better salesman, and that had caused tension between them. “She’d been honest with me, and so I was honest back,” Lawler told me. “It felt good to tell the truth.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97g3ys0cr1z07c53z23z8d2)) - 💭 no need to fake anything, come as you are, even matching the level of vulnerability is enough They are as interested in figuring out what *kind* of conversation everyone wants as the *topics* they hope to discuss. They ask more *questions* about others’ feelings and backgrounds. They talk about their own *goals* and *emotions,* and are quick to discuss their vulnerabilities, experiences, and the various identities they possess—and to ask others about their emotions and experiences. They inquire how others see the world, prove they are listening, and share their own perspectives in return. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97ge914m4b24ragxbd6ek14)) - 💭 the idea of a learning conversation  ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97gf1efta39v30z7datpcmp)) “Do you want to be helped, hugged, or heard?,” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97gkfdwpbmkwtsfbkj8tg2j)) - 💭 essence of the three conversation styles The first is to determine what *topics* we want to discuss—what everyone needs from this dialogue. The second is to figure out *how* this discussion will unfold—what unspoken rules and norms we have agreed upon, and how we will make decisions together. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j97gna5w6cj9rwxsrf9bkqnh)) - 💭 start of convos - what and how reminds me of youtube intro format as well