## Highlights “In an age focused on materialism and self-obsession, Kaufman boldly addresses the science of our deepest, most unanswered needs: connection, meaning, love, transcendence, and self-realization. A revolutionary book destined to become a classic.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01gqdpp2400x3jszqktrem6wyh)) This created a deep paradox for Maslow: How could so many of his self-actualizing individuals simultaneously have such a strong identity and actualization of their potential, yet also be so _selfless_? ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01gqdpv09bpey4r1wbdqb86jda)) ^78wb49 Self-actualization . . . paradoxically makes more possible the transcendence of self, and of self-consciousness and of selfishness.”[4](https://readwise.io/reader/document_raw_content/288053903) Maslow observed that self-actualization makes it _easier_ to merge as a part of a larger whole. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01gqr72jfqppqm29hpvsg116m9)) ^yitqyx we all have extraordinary creative, humanitarian, and spiritual possibilities but are often alienated from them because we are so focused on a very narrow slice of who we are ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01gqr7e2cef6vaxqjm35vpygt8)) ^zu7hpq Sources of Well-Being ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01gqr7rt803v612ztxtxzw12by)) too many people get caught up in insecurity throughout their lives, and stay there, missing out on the immense beauty in the world that is still left to explore and the possibilities for their own self-actualization and, ultimately, transcendence. We miss the ocean for the waves. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01gqvrmhr6k1feaa0k2j7yg45c)) ^9cs6om  ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01gqvrz0wxbpxn5e66n57h4gjv)) The vision of the good life I present in this book isn’t one that is typically touted these days. It’s not one where the primary motivation is money, power, social status, or even happiness. Instead, the good life that I present, which is deeply grounded in the core principles of humanistic psychology and a realistic understanding of human needs, is about the healthy expression of needs in the service of discovering and expressing a self that works best for _you_ ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01gqvs9w1gd36z3ef47qz630kr)) ^9dz068 Successful intelligence is one’s ability to choose and successfully work toward the attainment of one’s goals in life, within one’s cultural context or contexts ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01gr5ateztq5120dkhr2wbzt7p)) Harlow’s research identified connection as essential to normal development. Maslow proposed that belonging and affection were fundamental needs in their own right—not reducible to safety or sex. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd32ehh7zvczycsdmq9wxdh)) ^ias9eh - 💭 fake monkey mothers made children lack social functions also include a sense of _mutuality_; both parties are engaged and participating ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd3fab2023y0sbd0cae32se)) “positive interpersonal processes,” defined as “the good stuff that keeps us coming back for more in a friend or loved one.”[25](193) This includes having fun together, sharing laughs, doing kind things for one another, celebrating good news together, admiring the other person’s virtues, and expressing gratitude. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd3hd58t1d44yvdezqgq2xj)) ^qb5w1j “neural coupling.” Partners experience an enhanced ability to anticipate the other’s stream of thought and to feel the same emotions, sometimes even physically feeling their pain.[29](197) As Fredrickson notes, such “micro-moments of connection” are “tiny engines” that can set off upward spirals in your life, helping you to grow and become a better version of yourself. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd3kq9h5rkqz8khwsxaf8pz)) ^sdod2q Another key player in the connection system is the neuropeptide oxytocin. Oxytocin is produced in the hypothalamus and functions both as a hormone and as a neurotransmitter.[34](202) There is some evidence that oxytocin increases the willingness to trust and cooperate, while also enhancing the ability to discern cues of trust and goodness in others. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd3mk0te00mqyzv8b6e33ya)) ^3bf1p1 Oxytocin increases in-group favoritism, taking costly risks (including lying) to improve the welfare of your group, and conformity, trust, and cooperation for the in-group.[39](207) However, oxytocin’s effect on trust is actually reduced when another person is perceived as untrustworthy, is unknown, or is a member of an out-group that has conflicting views and values from the in-group ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd49frv6p25rbbcfd7fz66t)) ^573550 while oxytocin does help strengthen connections with others and is a key player in the calm-and-connect system, it is becoming increasingly clear that oxytocin is not the “universal love hormone.” It might be more accurate to think of oxytocin as the “in-group love hormone.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd49r5vfxpzx78h5xks6nfd)) ^jz0il5 LONELINESS KILLS ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4arwt24rwaj7gbmqskkwm)) A recent survey suggests that 40 percent of adults say they are lonely, with approximately 42.6 million adults over the age of forty-five reporting chronic loneliness ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4awvqy1004azdqvp3jtx9)) ^58d7d0 “social isolation has an impact on health comparable to the effect of high blood pressure, lack of exercise, obesity or smoking.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4b36f6m5mbrzevmgysgpm)) ^929g8v the feeling of loneliness, social isolation, or living alone increases the risk of death by 26 percent, 29 percent, and 32 percent, respectively ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4bdn18smyz1wjrf9crddx)) ^fzhk5y no other basic human need satisfaction can substitute for a deep connection—not money, not fame, not power, not popularity, not even belonging and acceptance—even though we often seek one or another of these other routes in the false hope that they will fully satisfy our need for connection ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4by01kacxqfnv45nzphrj)) desire for fame is often based on a “dream of acceptance” that includes the notion that becoming famous will make the person feel loved, accepted, and sought after by others for the rest of their lives ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4c5jahd8cfd7gytrpx106)) love and power are actually united in a common motive: the striving to escape loneliness ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4cgqqyd6vvmtd2r8rvksg)) MONEY, MONEY, MONEY ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4fqr0kh89a4m81xmm12ry)) Even studies conducted in the slums of Calcutta, India, show that the levels of life satisfaction among inhabitants are higher than those of the average American ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4g9hwfm3r5e3bjzbkyx5y)) having more money can even be _detrimental_ to growth and happiness. For one thing, more money tends to increase the materialistic drive, and materialism has been linked to decreases in happiness over time.[60](228) We adapt quickly to the rewarding feeling of getting more money—what’s often referred to as the “hedonic treadmill”—leading to the constant feeling that no amount of money will ever be enough ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4h4g8afgyevapw2wvtf8a)) ^xa2gak those who earn more than $100,000 a year spend more of their time engaging in unenjoyable activities (e.g., grocery shopping, commuting) and less time engaging in leisure than those earning less than $20,000 a year.[62](230) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4j29zzr2vrzhcxpwwqy9h)) ^3d2gxv Households that earn more than $100,000 a year donate a smaller percentage of their income to charity than those earning less than $25,000 a year. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4jbyjbhpz2ste032hmy3q)) Those who value money as a source of happiness report being less satisfied with their lives, and when people work explicitly toward goals involving wealth, fame, or beauty, their well-being decreases. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4jndvr9wr07p1n5d7vp6t)) ^78ocdd simple act of noticing small amounts of money while engaging in another enjoyable task (e.g., savoring a piece of chocolate) reduces enjoyment of that activity ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4jw3wz3r1v83m8z0q22fh)) ^wusgre beyond a certain income (enough to make you feel safe and secure), how you spend your money becomes more important than how much money you have. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4k5g1kzetr042xv5zjck7)) ^mu47nk Money that is used to foster personal growth—such as contributing to a charity, taking vacation and retreats with family and coworkers, or choosing housing that’s closer to fostering a community or for engaging in opportunities to master a skill or hobby—is more associated with life satisfaction and well-being than spending money on material goods ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4kyzq18zwfe3eehsr8vwp)) ^ht581l inducing people to think about having more time for meaningful social connections increases feelings of happiness, studies show, whereas priming people to think about money has no such effect ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4mc1z6wcps6znxspwqej8)) ^6sbx3k An often-overlooked growth purchase is therapy. Research shows that psychotherapy can be highly cost-effective in satisfying people’s need to be seen; it is at least thirty-two times more cost-effective in raising life satisfaction than merely gaining more income. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4mnk6gef61ddrgkr98r6y)) “Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4mt6pqp9wb0ygrg0nx1yn)) SOCIAL MEDIA ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4mwmje5wzhrmmzsjqh4rx)) Emma Seppälä, science director at the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University.[56](224) Seppälä continues: > The way we are prioritizing our life, and what we are prioritizing, often goes against our greatest need for belonging. Whether it’s material goods or pleasures, financial advancement, or social advancement, we’re missing the point completely. We’re not seeing that our greatest happiness comes from connection, whether from family or religious or social community, something greater than yourself, something transcendental. We are so lost and there’s a reason why so many people feel lost and anxious and depressed and lonely.[57](225) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4fnrxwrksq60t1k32wrr8)) ^h1jxf1 CHAPTER 3Self-Esteem ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4sf21xvv6gajv040b63jz)) Facebook use was associated with lower feelings of happiness and life satisfaction.[76](244) Interacting online with people directly (not just through “likes” and viewing their page), however, did not produce these negative outcomes. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4pw93k2wmqfft00rw30en)) “Dominance-feeling,” Maslow contended, includes feelings of self-confidence, high self-respect, and evaluation of self; a feeling of being able to handle other people; a feeling of mastery; a feeling that others do and ought to admire and respect one; a feeling of general capability; an absence of shyness, timidity, self-consciousness, or embarrassment; and a feeling of pride. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd4zby3w3jnn82mahetj3mn)) HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd50tny0mr48gewh526jjhr)) So what is a healthy self-esteem? Modern research has identified two distinct faces of healthy self-esteem: self-worth and mastery. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd52padt5e1e2jxys1xabt7)) SELF-WORTH - I like myself. - I am a worthwhile human being. - I am very comfortable with myself. - I am secure in my sense of self-worth. - I have enough respect for myself. MASTERY - I am highly effective at the things I do. - I am almost always able to accomplish what I try for. - I perform very well at many things. - I often fulfill my goals. - I deal well with challenges in my life. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd52vts12hgxw53grj1vdx2)) ^rk0pyl SELF-WORTH ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd53188rrga5vb3k1yyk17g)) two forms of social value we can have in this world: _relational social value_ (the degree to which we regard our relationship with others as personally valuable and important) and _instrumental social value_ (the degree to which others perceive us as possessing resources and/or personal characteristics that are important for the benefit of the collective good) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd53txx38ypc6xpryyvfw2b)) self-worth are so strongly linked to the need for belonging ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd54pr7mwc77wca12fn09xg)) MASTERY ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd555694q1j71whfard1fnw)) involves the evaluation of your overall sense of agency: _Are you an intentional being who can bring about your desired goals by exercising your will?_ ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd559y8h28vk7nyvw5gwf2h)) SELF-ESTEEM VS. NARCISSISM ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd56fv01122e7pysxtxhn7g)) Those with a high self-esteem believe they are worthy and competent and strive for intimate, meaningful connections with others, but they don’t necessarily view themselves as _superior_ to others ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd56zf6qs56vbyztwbnn0hf)) ^a0qpa6 self-esteem tends to be at its lowest in adolescence and slowly increases throughout life, narcissism tends to peak in adolescence and gradually declines throughout the life-span. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd57rc31wg76v62mvwxfztx)) Narcissism tends to develop in tandem with parental _overevaluation_: parents who raise children who exhibit high levels of narcissism tend to overclaim their child’s knowledge, overestimate their child’s IQ, overpraise their child’s performance, and even tend to give their child a unique name to stand out from the crowd ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd582crp1mzr4pafv78q7tk)) ^5ielpl - 💭 people are narcissistic because they lacked affection, they don't know it's importance THE TWO FACES OF NARCISSISM ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd58ysace0vaptb400th5sm)) Maslow noted that in our society we learn “to put on a chameleon-like cloak of false modesty or humility.”[56](305) Maslow argued that in order to avoid punishment from society, the person “becomes humble, ingratiating, appeasing, or even masochistic. In short, due to fear of punishment for being superior, she becomes inferior and throws away some of her possibilities for humanness. For the sake of safety and security, she cripples and stunts herself. . . . That is, she is evading the task for which her peculiarly idiosyncratic constitution fits her, the task for which she was born, so to speak. She is evading her destiny.”[57](306) Maslow refers to this as the “Jonah Complex,” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd5kw16eszgdvt653f62xk5)) these can be effective strategies if you feel the need to constantly defend a superior sense of self. And sometimes it really does help to see yourself as being as fearless as Superman. The problem occurs when you really start to believe you _are_ Superman, and act that way in all situations. The problem isn’t with self-esteem but the _addiction_ to self-esteem. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd5t1c1rmtfr4whqm4ea4c7)) Addicted to Self-Esteem ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd5t2zdbhdhmr7f8shaay64)) All of us, to some degree, enjoy the rush of power and the feeling of being highly respected by others. What seems to be particularly associated with grandiose narcissism is an addiction to the feeling of high self-esteem ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd5tjp074sqzdcf5cg6pq9b)) ^p6ar00 it becomes particularly detrimental to growth ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd5tsf5f9kq5vrt7gn4mddg)) When the highs fade, grandiose narcissists seek even greater glories (higher “doses”), looking for even more admiration and validation of their superiority anywhere they can get it ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd5vgj79nqtbexapsfvqyfh)) grandiosity isn’t sustainable ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd5vnchjqwxwtcxxdf91q45)) An addiction perspective on narcissism helps explain why those we label “narcissists” are so fascinating to everyone: those scoring high in grandiose narcissism indulge the strivings for esteem and power that we all have deep within us. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd5we63kfpmkhfaj75ta6nb)) ^ebusbr it’s important to acknowledge that the altruistic tendencies that allow a person to achieve power in the first place can become compromised in the face of an abundance of power ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd5xmzpf9e9s3tscta1ekqg)) the experience of power itself tends to destroy the skills that once earned us power ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd5xtq3zs6ffnqdfj1d5yee)) Almost all humans strive for mastery and to make a difference in the world, but as Adler noted, we also have a striving for social interest. We have _both_ strivings within us. Therefore, the question remains: _How can we satisfy our self-esteem needs in the most authentic, healthy, and growth-fostering way?_ ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd5yngmejmfkr11v0b7wbd4)) HEALTHY PRIDE ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd5ysb8e935d2t8brnj93b7)) the key to a healthy self-esteem is cultivating genuine relationships, skills, and competencies so that you can have healthy pride in your accomplishments ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd5zd85bnqxvmvxy7m3gb6k)) ^b30dnq some forms of pride can be an incredibly productive force in our lives. In fact, pride can be a great motivating force for reaching your personal goals and making a positive impact on the world. Instead, the issue is with how the power is obtained. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd5zvw3c8ggtsfh90676fd3)) regularly experience healthy pride tend to be friendly, social, agreeable, calm, resilient, creative, and popular ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd603djjtrd36knpk1srtjm)) ^30o15p _status-driven life_, consisted of the drives for social status, money, power, high performance, achievement, impact on the world, and creativity ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd60wbrb30xpewwhgda79ke)) The second cluster, which I refer to as the _security-driven life_, primarily consisted of the needs for security, happiness, and close relationships. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd61f7w8r0esksdq18nswza)) self-actualization was most strongly correlated with the growth-driven life and was unrelated to the status-driven life ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd60qtpjx1qsf7wpe8vm2zb)) ^mog9o7 If your primary goal in life is to have power, money, and status, that’s fine, but you can probably stop reading this book right now. My advice would be to take close notes on the strategies of those who have an abundance of characteristics associated with grandiose narcissism. Individuals who have high levels of grandiose narcissism seem to find ways to get ahead and dominate, regardless of the costs to others. If your primary goal in life is to be safe, secure, and happy, then you can probably stop reading this book right now as well. The chapters on security should offer you enough insight to have a more solid and secure foundation in your life. However, if you truly wish to self-actualize—and even transcend—in your own style, driven by the desire for growth, exploration, purpose, creativity, and love for all of humanity, then keep reading. Because there’s so much more sailing to go. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd62qtppgv9nmnb4cbkq5c9)) ^yfkz12 many apparently “conflicting” desires within an individual are often all reflections of the same goal—whether it’s happiness, comfort, love, or self-respect. The only question is which is the best path to achieving those goals for the individual. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd7xvr0wsa4bd4bj13et05g)) Feeling as though his work as a psychologist could help “save the world and . . . prevent the horrible wars and the awful hatred and prejudice,” Maslow began synthesizing an integrated theory of human motivation. You can clearly see how his theory represented an integration of all of his influences up to that point in his life. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd803rqsq1gdd2mq1rv6yj6)) ^1c87l1 - 💭 Quest to not make hitler happen again Maslow’s work on self-actualization was really his search for the characteristics of the “good” human being. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd846ry92a0ded9xq7d09y7)) “I think of the self-actualizing man not as an ordinary man with something added, but rather as the ordinary man with nothing taken away.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd851m815w7h312p75xy0bt)) ^rx3syd CHARACTERISTICS OF SELF-ACTUALIZATION ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd85j7rkhrxeax2jsv1z14j)) ^w912nx - _Truth Seeking_ (e.g., “I am always trying to get at the real truth about people and nature.”) - _Acceptance_ (e.g., “I accept all of my quirks and desires without shame or apology.”) - _Purpose_ (e.g., “I feel a great responsibility and duty to accomplish a particular mission in life.”) - _Authenticity_ (e.g., “I can maintain my dignity and integrity even in environments and situations that are undignified.”) - _Continued Freshness of Appreciation_ (e.g., “I can appreciate again and again, freshly and naively, the basic goods of life, with awe, pleasure, wonder, and even ecstasy, however stale these experiences may have become to others.”) - _Peak Experiences_ (e.g., “I often have experiences in which I feel new horizons and possibilities opening up for myself and others.”) - _Humanitarianism_ (e.g., “I have a genuine desire to help the human race.”) - _Good Moral Intuition_ (e.g., “I can tell deep down right away when I’ve done something wrong.”) - _Creative Spirit_ (e.g., “I have a generally creative spirit that touches everything I do.”) - _Equanimity_ (e.g., “I tend to take life’s inevitable ups and downs with grace, acceptance, and equanimity.”) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8625txwprk9gsccgb62bq ) ) the characteristics of self-actualization are not nearly as rare as he believed ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8mqyxsdt77tx27y6559cm)) Maslow believed that it was very rare for a college student to display the characteristics of self-actualization ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8n157rk4cft7ap9he1wrw)) characteristics of self-actualization matter quite a bit. Just as Maslow predicted, those with higher self-actualization scores were much more motivated by growth, exploration, and love of humanity than the fulfillment of deficiencies in basic needs ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8ngtxqx5cf3fc0as9fpm9)) Self-actualization also predicted job performance, job satisfaction, and reports of greater talent, skill, and creative ability across a wide range of fields, from the arts and sciences to business and sports ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8nxbkxgz3tm5gwg2p963a)) ^uppja0 self-actualization can conceptually be grouped into four categories, which will form the remainder of this book: exploration, love, purpose, and transcendence ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8p4dpxdhchfn5avm7an1m)) CHAPTER 4Exploration ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8pc3svfx2p73fzmmesmk4)) The need for exploration—the desire to seek out and make sense of novel, challenging, and uncertain information and experiences[1](351)—is an irreducible fundamental need. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8qz2ny84v2awnpzan7ksv)) the key to helping people move toward growth is to make the growth choice more attractive to people and less threatening, and make the safety choice less attractive and more costly, so that a person can feel unthreatened, free, and spontaneous enough to “dare to choose the unknown.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8rgfb14fkjdzak8r799br)) ^71dk8r EXPLORATION SCALE ^fzw46i - I view challenging situations as an opportunity to grow and learn. - I am always looking for experiences that challenge how I think about myself and the world. - I seek out situations where it is likely that I will have to think in depth about something. - I enjoy learning about subjects that are unfamiliar to me. - I find it fascinating to learn new information. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8sy2mxg3c8yqkqc2t7jcw)) one way of coping with anxiety is to render our deepest fears “familiar, predictable, manageable, controllable, i.e., unfrightening, and harmless . . . to know them and to understand them.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8v1k6c3fks67rragtmzb1)) - 💭 knowledge helps anxiety THE FUEL OF EXPLORATION ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8vmtt4nsd2de7xrw833zh)) general motivation for exploration is driven by dopamine. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8vyh1f5q2ttv3hkc38gzc)) We get the biggest rush of dopamine coursing through our brains at the possibility of reward, but this rush is no guarantee that we’ll actually like or even enjoy the thing once we get it. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8w8wd20vz5dvdke5ddpa8)) People who score high in the general tendency toward exploration are not only driven to engage in behavioral forms of exploration but also tend to get energized through the possibility of discovering new information and extracting meaning and growth from their experiences. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8xc9ag9a20v27fj592g32)) ^c3tovu five subneeds of exploration that cover both behavioral and cognitive forms of exploration: (1) social exploration, (2) adventure seeking, (3) posttraumatic growth, (4) openness to experience, and (5) intellect ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd8ykmteppye1p6bbk0hnba)) growth orientation to belonging was associated with a wide range of growth-oriented outcomes, including higher levels of secure attachment, past positive social interactions, resiliency, commitment toward an important relationship, and self-disclosure in relationships. In contrast, the deficit-reduction orientation was associated with various outcomes that stunt growth, including higher levels of social anxiety, social comparison, anxious-attachment style, a need for attention, and loneliness ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd90q60xk2tevp9na4tksa5)) ^sggmbz growth-oriented form of social engagement as social exploration ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd90ysxxpx4s6jwrmrbj9sp)) a general interest in gathering information about how other people feel, think, and behave ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd914dgjtpqe9yy4g2atgqj)) SOCIAL CURIOSITY SCALE ^egtzzo - I like to learn about the habits of others. - I like finding out why people behave the way they do. - When other people are having a conversation, I like to find out what it’s about. - When around other people, I like listening to their conversations. - When people quarrel, I like to know what’s going on. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd916ggby168cxe406fft1c)) Learning information about others also enables us to effectively adapt to our social environment and facilitate relationships. After all, learning about people is extraordinarily complex and requires not only knowledge of their outward behaviors but also an understanding of their interior thoughts, feelings, and experiences.[15](365) It’s no wonder why the drive to attain social information has been essential to the survival of our species. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd924ej7jqbhqq2rynesypj)) socially curious people are indeed more accurate in assessing the personalities of people they’ve met for the first time, even after interacting only briefly with them ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd92e3y71z7ys2qw3yfqtt1)) ADVENTURE SEEKING ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd99twb4b8j50evkepptejm)) “There is no adrenaline rush, you know? Like if I get a rush, it means that something has gone horribly wrong, you know? Because the whole thing should be pretty slow and controlled and like—I mean, it’s mellow.”[24](374) Instead, it seems to be all about the _exploration_ ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd9aa1b0kqq41cdjkeaeh1n)) What seems to drive Honnold, and other adventure seekers like him, aren’t the needs that comprise security, such as the needs for safety, connection, or self-esteem. Instead, Honnold seems much more driven by the desire to learn and grow and to master novel and complex challenges. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd9b9fn0shbyx3erac9rnqn)) ^6ntl10 Honnold trained himself to have a high tolerance for stress so that he would be more capable of exploring the unknown, unimpeded by his own fears and anxieties. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd9c146swe0ycbbe8148ghh)) For Honnold, however, there was virtually no brain activity when viewing such images. The researchers propose that over many years he trained himself to manage fear and uncertainty, and while he was most certainly predisposed, this is a skill we can all learn. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd9cr3r0y60ew237z7hh4q7)) ^gujrm9 “adventure seeking” as the willingness to risk physical, social, and financial safety for varied, novel, exciting, intense, and challenging sensations and experiences. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd9dqhe02v54z92qg3akmst)) ADVENTURE-SEEKING SCALE ^d32qhq - The anxiety of doing something new makes me feel excited and alive. - Risk-taking is exciting to me. - When I have free time, I want to do things that are a little scary. - Creating an adventure as I go is much more appealing than a planned adventure. - I prefer friends who are excitingly unpredictable. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd9dxwmdrnkfjg5mx91c58e)) people who rated themselves higher in adventure seeking tended to also report higher feelings of happiness, as well as the view that hedonism is a primary element of a life well lived ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd9g0e31am1fsm9wx77853r)) ^c05kd7 - 💭 novelty through altruism and personal growth High-adventure seekers are more likely to use a problem-focused coping strategy, which allows them to see stressors in their life as manageable. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd9jtggzydk348c014bc9m1)) problem-solving, seeking information or social support, and removing oneself entirely from the stressful situation. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd9k1v9cjfpmqw2hn7jyt24)) typically contrasted from emotion-focused coping, in which one attempts to reduce the negative feelings associated with stress through strategies such as distraction, suppression, and drugs and alcohol. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd9k732n1pn25z5nx2kwa1v)) POST-TRAUMATIC GROWTH ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd9kgb32wqmhgv2b0zh52a2)) resilience as the ability of people who have experienced a highly life-threatening or traumatic event to maintain relatively stable, healthy levels of psychological and physical functioning ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd9n4tb5x0zsn3zynpsb34q)) ^bermmn Considering that approximately 61 percent of men and 51 percent of women in the United States report at least one traumatic event in their lifetime, the human capacity for resilience is quite remarkable. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd9ncrnvhgr09zexytpmvrh)) ^u9mx3n These seven areas of growth have been reported to spring from adversity: ^n0bm97 - Greater appreciation of life - Greater appreciation and strengthening of close relationships - Increased compassion and altruism - The identification of new possibilities or a purpose in life - Greater awareness and utilization of personal strengths - Enhanced spiritual development - Creative growth ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grd9nz7xgc15akp5e414kmbz)) “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grda2r5g8ef0534a56wr5y3a)) ^jm6hqr _Cognitive exploration_—which can be defined as a general curiosity about information and a tendency toward complexity and flexibility in information processing—enables us to be curious about confusing situations, increasing the likelihood that we will find new meaning in the seemingly incomprehensible. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grda46b36z4cxsx4y7tyvpwe)) ^yh0fw5 it’s only through shedding our natural defense mechanisms and approaching the discomfort head on, viewing everything as fodder for growth, that we can start to embrace the inevitable paradoxes of life and come to a more nuanced view of reality ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grda4mc3kspr4by3gt1kpfmk)) ^wsmv4q Rumination is often a sign that you are working hard to make sense of what happened and are actively tearing down old belief systems and creating new structures of meaning and identity. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grda52z320qd4hhp5r7cafry)) the greater the distress, the greater the posttraumatic growth—but only in those with low levels of experiential avoidance ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grda7fa4tqkhrb8fsfd1vpyb)) innovation and creativity ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grda94r878gsydy8xgp46m33)) OPENNESS TO EXPERIENCE ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grda988e8fpg0yrncw4wb6nx))  ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdac92b92dke1j1g64ncwtk)) ^l1ku88 those scoring higher in cognitive exploration report spending more of their daily time on creative pursuits and say they would rather be making and creating things than merely observing the world ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdad29drrbmrm3zxxkvmb3n)) ^mbkd64 - 💭 content creation OPENNESS TO EXPERIENCE SCALE Absorption/Flow ^n3xoqn - Sometimes I experience things as if they were doubly real. - Sometimes I am so immersed in nature or in art that I feel as if my whole state of consciousness has somehow been temporarily changed. - I often lose awareness of time and my physical surroundings. - There is often a breakdown between myself and what I am creating—I am what I was writing/playing/painting. - There is often a sense of “closeness” to what I am creating, a greater-than-normal emotional connection with it. Imagination - I enjoy imagining things vividly. - I enjoy reading things that evoke visual images. - I can clearly picture or remember some sculpture or natural object (not alive) that I think is very beautiful. - I identify strongly with characters in movies I watch or books I read. - I tend to describe things by using images, metaphors, or creative comparisons. Aesthetic Sensitivity - I have many artistic interests. - I am fascinated by art, music, and/or literature. - I have favorite poems and paintings that mean a lot to me. - I see beauty in things that others might not notice. - When I travel or drive anywhere, I always watch the landscape and scenery. Intuition/Emotionality - I like to rely on my intuitive impressions. - I can often tell how people feel without them having to say anything. - I enjoy learning by doing something, instead of figuring it out first. - When I have a strong emotional experience, the effect stays with me for a long time. - I’d rather be upset sometimes and happy sometimes than always feel calm. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdadrnxbysd07rj3684qbt0)) openness to experience is linked to the “default mode network,” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdaf8rc8z3srvvbajmdyczj)) ^c5vlzh self-reflection, identity, imagination, and meaning-making ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdafkfh4kr4h7mc5e4np26z)) daydreaming; mental simulation; remembering the past; thinking about the future; generating new ideas; improvisation and flow among jazz musicians, rappers, and poets; the comprehension of stories; reports of intense and personally moving aesthetic experiences; feeling inspiration for the virtue of others; and reflecting on mental and emotional states, both our own and those of others ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdafzsx8bqrxh9swdz6dfmv)) ^s1wdvy compassion, empathy, and the ability to understand ourselves, create meaning from our experiences, and construct a linear sense of self ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdag4ps574ez2aaax1zmjgv)) ^ba7sye Latent inhibition helps us automatically precategorize stimuli as relevant or irrelevant to a current goal. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdahg78y4zrzbyvvethhyxm)) those scoring higher in openness to experience tend to have a _reduced_ latent inhibition, which results in immediate experience not being as shaped by prior experience ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdah9t29p7j54tfm115cgt3)) ^bjf0xs Maslow’s notion of “continued freshness of appreciation,” which he believed was a central characteristic of self-actualization. According to Maslow, continued freshness of appreciation brings about an “acute richness of subjective experience.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdajaavct1rrsxh72eg92k7)) - 💭 capability for awe INTELLECT: FINDING YOUR WAY BACK TO SHORE ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdak340pvge32gh170kbymq)) linked to the functioning of the “executive attention brain network.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdakpt1x64w2zteq822szss)) essential for helping us focus on the most immediate task, block out external distractions, suppress seemingly irrelevant information, flexibly switch our attention when necessary, deliberately plan future actions, and integrate multiple sources of information in working memory ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdakzjz6wpynxxkcvhbha17)) INTELLECT SCALE Intellectual Curiosity/Need to Understand[74](424) ^1cmv2m - I’m curious about many different things. - I enjoy intellectual challenges. - I actively seek out intellectual, philosophical discussions. - I seek out situations that require thinking in depth about something. - I don’t like to know the answer without understanding the reasoning behind it. Deprivation Sensitivity/Need to Know[75](425) - Thinking about solutions to difficult conceptual problems can keep me awake at night. - I can spend hours on a single problem because I just can’t rest without knowing the answer. - I feel frustrated if I can’t figure out the solution to a problem, so I work even harder to solve it. - I work relentlessly at problems that I feel must be solved. - It frustrates me not having all the information I need. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdam3d5gebgq3c1qwqnxgk5)) self-actualized people are able to transcend the seemingly contradictory nature of these two ways of being ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdarmp15ktg2khkc7p2rcp8)) THE CREATIVITY PARADOX ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdarq8qbpa8k2h3114y963j)) Adding meaning to the definition of creativity allows us to distinguish creative thought and behavior from merely eccentric or odd thought and behavior. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdasvv0qjnckh0kgm6gjd8p)) The more one generates new ideas and entertains unexpected connections, the more likely some of them will be new, and the more effectively one selects and develops particular ideas, the more likely that some of them will be meaningful. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdatbv1qhh31n49xme2r2d5)) ^b8tljx Despite their high levels of self-actualization, they clearly still wrestled with many of the same problems of human existence that we all do. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdav0wrasnbzx5n80vy5kbg)) Creative self-actualizers are capable of transcending the ordinary dichotomy between the intelligence of the mind and the wisdom of the heart. They are able to throw their whole selves into their work, flexibly switching between seemingly contradictory modes of being—the rational and the irrational, the emotional and the logical, the deliberate and the intuitive, and the imaginative and the abstract—without prejudging the value of any of these processes. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdax2qc8t19n88bqfh1g0ez)) ^dcafwn CHAPTER 5Love ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdax755vdvhy0qy4d9pwdg3)) society has deeply underestimated those who, just by _being who they are_, bring joy and light to everyone they meet. While this doesn’t necessarily translate into publicly recognized success, the impact is immeasurable, and added up over a life, it can be even more impactful than awards and accolades ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdb29x0djdhdja3dbn1s69r)) ^ktfd5l - 💭 !!! “successful human development involves, first, absorbing love, next, reciprocally sharing love, and finally, giving love unselfishly away.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdb3bwvepbttyxk8cbpkdyr)) ^1aet2n healthier people, who have been love-need–satisfied, shows that although they need less to receive love, they are more able to give love. In this sense they are more loving people.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdb47n8e6hkex09ba6fqg0h)) Maslow explicitly distinguished “needing love” from “unneeding love” and referred to the former as D-love (deficiency love) and the latter as B-love (“love for the being of another person”).[6](443) As Maslow noted, whereas D-love can be gratified, the entire concept of gratification hardly applies to B-love. **Those who love from a place of B-love do not need to receive love except in “steady, small maintenance doses and they may even do without these for periods of time.**” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdb8t2prtq5fj2jsx7f3t ^cta9h11y)) ^2jre47 B-love is _admiring_, and instead of _striving_ for satiation, B-love usually _grows_ rather than disappears. As a result, B-love is typically a more enjoyable experience, as it is intrinsically valuable (not valuable as a means to some other end) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdb5enzb6qb3b5638mn8rdd)) ^zrucqo “real love,” which she defines as the innate capacity we each have to love—in everyday life.[9](446) According to Salzberg, love is a freely given gift and we all have deep reservoirs of love within us that we can tap into anytime to generate even more love in our lives ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdb9qz77qc86m8pwhq2y8bx)) As a person matures, and the needs of others become just as important as the needs of one’s self, a person gradually transforms the idea of love from “being loved” into “loving,” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbadzqq4704h9fsqhfe6ps)) “Infantile love follows the principle: ‘_I love because I am loved_.’ Mature love follows the principle ‘_I am loved because I love_.’ Immature love says, ‘_I love you because I need you_.’ Mature love says, ‘_I need you because I love you_.’” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbb0yeekf7jxe2vjkf4n3r)) Love is not a specific encounter but an attitude. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbc13ad9j9j33whvy6fben)) THE LIGHT VS. DARK TRIAD ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbc8n4aghwwah420yvq2zm)) dark triad of personality consists of grandiose narcissism (entitled self-importance), Machiavellianism (strategic exploitation and deceit), and psychopathy (callousness, cynicism, and impulsivity). ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbcxrzcdxmw5c33ghq1zfc)) ^xasc8x dark core consists of a mix of callousness and dishonesty/manipulation ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbdaz6qadp1s9thydegsmz)) DARK CORE SCALE (ANTAGONISTIC ORIENTATION TOWARD OTHERS) ^6xpnep - I can talk my way into and out of anything. - I’m willing to exploit others to further my own goals. - I deserve to receive special treatment. - I don’t get upset by the suffering of others. - I do not waste my time hanging out with people who are beneath me. - I hate being criticized so much that I can’t control my temper when it happens. - When someone does something nice for me, I wonder what they want from me. - I will try almost anything to get my “thrills.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbdpsmff2tnvpfek2x8xyd)) as a rose emits perfume ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbefq55tgtzm6hw753m8y3)) Our initial pool of items related to forgiveness, trust, honesty, caring, acceptance, seeing the best in people, and getting intrinsic enjoyment from making connections with others instead of using people as a means to an end. In other words: _B-love_. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbf90fgqab5ceqktpvbcgs))  ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbjzc7d3sdce8remtjk380)) ^g162cb THE LIGHT TRIAD SCALE (B-LOVING, BENEFICENT ORIENTATION TOWARD OTHERS) ^kq40qr - I don’t feel comfortable overtly manipulating people to do something I want. - I prefer honesty over charm. - When I talk to people, I am rarely thinking about what I want from them. - I would like to be authentic even if it may damage my reputation. - I tend to treat others as valuable. - I tend to admire others. - I tend to applaud the successes of other people. - I enjoy listening to people from all walks of life. - I tend to see the best in people. - I think people are mostly good. - I’m quick to forgive people who have hurt me. - I tend to trust that other people will deal fairly with me. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbk42ke3rzgdm1r00frya2)) less likely to report dissatisfaction with their relationships, scoring low on items such as “I was lonely,” “I felt underappreciated by one or more important people,” and “I had disagreements or conflicts with people.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbmq2c162sk864c8yj8p10)) PORTRAIT OF A B-LOVING PERSON ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbn223ebmjjyk29krfq8tc)) They love because they are loving persons, in the same way that they are kind, honest, natural, i.e., because it is their nature to be so spontaneously . . . as a rose emits perfume, as a cat is graceful, or as a child is childish. —Abraham Maslow, _Motivation and Personality_ (1954) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbnqw3cexecbr9649t1dav)) ^w1d1bo Self-Transcendent Values ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbntq0h6px2s482xr4x0fd)) high in _universal concern_ (commitment to equal opportunity, justice, and protection for all people), _universal tolerance_ (acceptance and understanding of those who are different from oneself, and promoting harmony and peace among diverse groups), _trustworthiness and dependability for close loved ones_, and _benevolence and caring toward close friends and family_. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbpkb2ha6xsdhmrncdaank)) greatest character strengths of B-loving people are kindness, love, zest for life, gratitude, perspective, forgiveness, social intelligence, appreciation, teamwork, hope, fairness, curiosity, judgment, humility, love of learning, humor, and spirituality ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbqe3cvswyb1ps84jn9gmw)) ^j470f8 also score high on some agency-related traits, such as grit, industriousness, productiveness, organization, and responsibility. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbqm9nkf6c05mj4xtzgcx2)) ^c5e6xb B-loving people show that agency and communion need not be at odds with each other ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbr9ppgtp49jrrkvk98etc)) agency involves self-protection, self-assertion, separation, and isolation, whereas communion involves participation, contact, openness, unity, and “non-contractual co-operation.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbrjxrnd7fn23176efej55)) Those with higher agency in life show greater independence, assertiveness, and constructive use of anger; display less emotional distress and anxious attachment; and are embedded in more supportive social networks ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbs4cn53esnskyvvfkg91p)) higher communion are more comfortable with social relationships, are unlikely to experience problems when in relationships, and are more likely to have support available when in distress ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbsdb7c9s0pfkmzsaqcjtm)) Healthy Compassion ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbt9a1jpds34gvd4hbpya9)) B-loving people tend to enjoy caring for others and believe it’s important to help alleviate the suffering of people from all walks of life. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbtpx9p2t2nfth14ncdbyq)) - 💭 solely for intrinsic motivation Cognitive empathy reflects the ability to appreciate and understand another’s feelings—a perspective-taking, “theory-of-mind” ability—whereas affective empathy reflects the capacity to share another person’s emotional experience and to really feel what they are feeling. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbw6rz0w5dfx7mp9gps0y0)) people who score high on the dark triad score high in cognitive empathy but not affective empathy, using their cognitive empathy skills to exploit the weaknesses of others, rather than identifying with their suffering ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbwkkjn5zyzjb5r1rwyj1e)) COGNITIVE-AFFECTIVE EMPATHY SCALE Cognitive Empathy ^sn5tf0 - When two people argue, I can see both points of view. - I can tell when someone is feeling guilty. - I can tell from their face and how they behave when someone is ashamed. - I know when someone is unhappy even before they say why. - When someone is disappointed, I can tell by how they look. Affective Empathy ^15xygw - I would feel bad for a friend left out of a fun activity. - Seeing a thin, starving child would make me feel upset. - If I saw a crying baby, I would feel sorry for it. - I would feel angry if I saw a man hitting a defenseless woman. - Seeing a man pointing a gun at an unarmed person would make me feel frightened. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbwxt523rqcp28vewntm4v)) They have the capacity to accurately assess the _real_ needs of others but not get swept away by their empathy in a way that is unhealthy or even damaging to themselves and others. This ability is due, in part, to their cognitive empathy as well as their healthy coping mechanisms. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdby70h4yf0wwpyg87nnwdg)) Healthy Coping Mechanisms ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdby8txj9j42saj00w3ksyr)) “empathy burnout” (otherwise known as “compassion fatigue” or “generosity burnout”).[37](474) It can be exhausting to constantly be loving to others. Loving people have many healthy coping mechanisms that can help protect them against burnout and can foster health and growth. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbymxwfnzzzwr044n722xw)) B-loving people tend to focus on each of the following strategies when they feel that burnout is near: ^pc2vj1 - _Anticipation_: Realistic anticipation of or planning for future inner discomfort. According to Vaillant, “Anticipation permits the person to become aware of an event before it happens and thus attenuate associated anxiety and depression.”[39](476) Examples include: “When I have to face a difficult situation I try to imagine what it will be like and plan ways to cope with it” and “If I can predict that I’m going to be sad ahead of time, I can cope better.”[40](477) - _Suppression_: Intentionally avoiding thinking about disturbing problems, desires, feelings, or experiences until a later time when they can more maturely be processed and integrated. Valliant found this was the coping mechanism that was most closely associated with successful adaptation—but was also the one most at risk for overuse. According to Vaillant, suppression doesn’t mean complete repression or denial: “Suppression alters the world the least and best accepts the terms life offers. When used effectively, suppression is analogous to a well-trimmed sail. Every restriction is precisely calculated to exploit, not hide, the ultimate effects of the wind’s passions.”[41](478) Examples include: “I’m able to keep a problem out of my mind until I have time to deal with it” and “I can keep a lid on my feelings if letting them out would interfere with what I’m doing.”[42](479) - _Humor_: The use of humor to allow one to cope and yet still focus on the job that needs to get done. Mature coping (B-humor) is not self-derogatory and doesn’t involve distraction or displacement away from the issue at hand. Valliant describes humor as “one of the truly elegant defenses in the human repertoire. . . . The capacity for humor, like hope, is one of man’s most potent antidotes for the woes of Pandora’s box.”[43](480) Freud also believed that “humor can be regarded as the highest of these defensive processes,” placing it even above wit in terms of maturity. Indeed, I found a positive relationship between humor ability and the characteristics of self-actualization.[44](481) Along with anticipation and suppression, humor allows both the idea and the emotion to coexist in consciousness. For example: “I’m able to laugh at myself pretty easily” and “I’m usually able to see the funny side of an otherwise painful predicament.”[45](482) - _Sublimation_: Expression of aggression through pleasurable games, sports, hobbies, romance, and creative expression. For example: “I work out my anxiety through doing something constructive and creative like painting or woodwork” and “Sticking to the task at hand keeps me from feeling depressed or anxious.”[46](483) - _Altruism_: Getting pleasure from giving to others what you yourself would like to receive. For example: “I get satisfaction from helping others, and if this were taken away from me, I would get depressed” and “If I were in a crisis, I would seek out another person who had the same problem.”[47](484) Altruism differs from the defense mechanism of projection in that it responds to the real needs of others, not projected needs. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbz1d8fnddr6e3yy567ezm)) Healthy Self-Love ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdbzyb9nfstnacr9a7f9rx3)) B-loving people have healthy boundaries, self-care, and the capacity to enjoy themselves, even if it isn’t necessarily helping anyone else. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdc0qyh5cgzc248f28gn3mp)) HEALTHY SELFISHNESS SCALE ^vjo2wl - I have healthy boundaries. - I have a lot of self-care. - I have a healthy dose of self-respect and don’t let people take advantage of me. - I balance my own needs with the needs of others. - I advocate for my own needs. - I have a healthy form of selfishness (e.g., meditation, eating healthy, exercising, etc.) that does not hurt others. - Even though I give a lot to others, I know when to recharge. - I give myself permission to enjoy myself, even if it doesn’t necessarily help others. - I take good care of myself. - I prioritize my own personal projects over the demands of others. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdc123sehr23gqwg6mxaw4r)) healthy selfishness was positively related to the light triad, as well as a number of other indicators of growth, including healthy self-esteem, life satisfaction, and authentic pride in one’s work ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdc2rw326fhnq37p51v6xkj)) people who scored higher in healthy selfishness were more likely to care about others and report more growth-oriented motivations for helping others ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdc3156pnfe9351dry2sryf)) treating yourself with greater compassion than even _others_ may treat you ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdc3sqc3s63n1aww8rxtr6a)) - 💭 self-compassion SELF-COMPASSION SCALE ^593hj4 - When something painful happens, I try to take a balanced view of the situation. - I try to see my failings as part of the human condition. - When I’m going through a very hard time, I give myself the caring and tenderness I need. - When something upsets me, I try to keep my emotions in balance. - When I feel inadequate in some way, I try to remind myself that feelings of inadequacy are shared by most people. - I try to be understanding and patient toward those aspects of my personality I don’t like. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdc45e4nrbkvgqt61zwjhbc)) - 💭 definitely lack acceptance and regulation of myself Quiet Ego[57](494) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdc569rnv13v3592wecxk14)) “quiet ego” research program grounded in Buddhist philosophy and humanistic psychology ideals, and backed by empirical research in the field of positive psychology.[60](497) The quiet-ego approach focuses on balancing interests of the self and of others and cultivating growth of the self and of others over time, based on self-awareness, interdependent identity, and compassionate experience. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdc6vbc3156fzrrhykf3a3n)) ^a7cgt8 B-loving people are much more likely to express the following four deeply interconnected facets of the quiet ego, which any of us can cultivate in ourselves: - _Detached Awareness_. Those with a quiet ego have an engaged, nondefensive form of attention to the present moment. They are aware of both the positives and negatives of a situation, and their attention is detached from more ego-driven evaluations of the present moment. Rather, they attempt to see reality as clearly as possible. This requires openness and acceptance to whatever one might discover about the self or others in the present moment while letting the moment unfold as naturally as possible—an important component of mindfulness. It also involves the ability to revisit thoughts and feelings that have already occurred, examine them more objectively than perhaps one was able to in the moment, and make the appropriate adjustments that will lead to further growth. - _Inclusive Identity_. People whose egos are turned down in volume have a balanced or more integrative interpretation of the self and others. They understand other perspectives in a way that allows them to identify with the experience of others, break down barriers, and come to a deeper understanding of common humanity. If your identity is inclusive, you’re likely to be cooperative and compassionate toward others rather than working to help only yourself. Especially during moments of conflict, when your core values are challenged, you are capable of nevertheless listening to the other perspective and learning something from the person. Even if all you learned is how much you still believe in your own viewpoint, you still treated the person as human first. - _Perspective-Taking_. By reflecting on other viewpoints, the quiet ego brings attention outside the self, increasing empathy and compassion. Perspective-taking and inclusive identity are intertwined, as either one can trigger the other. For instance, realizing what you have in common with others can stimulate a greater understanding of their perspective. - _Growth-Mindedness_. Turning down the dial on one’s ego also allows for a mindset of personal growth. An interest in changing oneself over time increases the likelihood of prosocial behaviors because it causes one to question the long-term impact of their actions in the moment and to view the present moment as part of an ongoing life journey instead of a threat to one’s self and existence. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdc80h63rkwrk8cyv2t9yv5)) Squashing the ego so much that it loses its identity does no one any favors. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdc9e3x0gpvz1ctzxextx4n)) arrive at a less defensive and more integrative stance toward the self and others, not lose your sense of self or deny your self-esteem needs ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdc9wfb0kzv36fpx7ybwr5t)) Healthy Authenticity ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdc9zvxc7rsprbtpjmhwb9v)) healthy authenticity does not mean walking around all the time spontaneously telling everyone whatever you’re feeling and thinking (that’s just foolish). Healthy authenticity does not mean incessantly talking about yourself and your greatest accomplishments (that’s just narcissism). Healthy authenticity does not mean spontaneously giving in to your darkest impulses (that’s just dark triad). Healthy authenticity does not mean fiercely protecting your values like you’re defending a fort (that’s just stubborn and inflexible). ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdcb6e3k2tzwydykg4259m9)) Healthy authenticity is an ongoing process of discovery, self-consciousness, and responsibility taking and is built on a secure foundation of a personality structure not dominated by the needs for safety, connection, and self-esteem ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdcc8adgm868xyygv3atcyh)) ^oipvaq main components of healthy authenticity are self-awareness, self-honesty, integrity, and authentic relationships ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdcctmkcma3fgb7xsa50smf)) HEALTHY AUTHENTICITY SCALE Self-Awareness ^6gdbdj - For better or for worse, I am aware of who I truly am. - I have a very good understanding of why I do the things I do. - I understand why I believe the things I do about myself. - I actively attempt to understand myself as well as possible. - I am in touch with my motives and desires. Self-Honesty (These items are all reverse-coded, which means that the less you endorse these items, the more self-honest you are.) - I’d rather feel good about myself than objectively assess my personal limitations and shortcomings. - I tend to have difficulty accepting my personal faults, so I try to cast them in a more positive way. - I try to block out any unpleasant feelings I might have about myself. - I prefer to ignore my darkest thoughts and feelings. - If someone points out or focuses on one of my shortcomings, I quickly try to block it out of my mind and forget it. Integrity - I try to act in a manner that is consistent with my personally held values, even if others criticize or reject me for doing so. - I am true to myself in most situations. - I am willing to endure negative consequences by expressing my true beliefs about things. - I find that my behavior typically expresses my values. - I live in accordance with my values and beliefs. Authentic Relationships - I want close others to understand the real me rather than just my public persona or image. - In general, I place a good deal of importance on people I am close to understanding who I truly am. - I make it a point to express to close others how much I truly care for them. - I want people with whom I am close to understand my weaknesses. - My openness and honesty in close relationships are extremely important to me. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdcd088txgtzevz1b3g88cz)) WHOLE LOVE ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdcgpy6nzp80zmk9p88p950)) Mature love is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity, one’s individuality. . . . In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two. —Erich Fromm, _The Art of Loving_ (1956) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdcmmn15621h4fwa4m64p9q)) ^hkm1lb B-Love, in a profound but testable sense, creates the partner. It gives him a self-image, it gives him self-acceptance, a feeling of love-worthiness and respect-worthiness, all of which permit him to grow. It is a real question whether the full development of the human being is possible without it. —Abraham Maslow, _Toward a Psychology of Being_ (1962) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdcmwyptgbjqws6z61y7kcf)) we expect that partner to be our _everything_—we expect them to satiate our insatiable sex drive, satisfy our need for belonging, and quell our deepest existential feelings of despair ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdcnrwy0n67ne7sqbnnhky6)) We strive toward a richer, deeper, more meaningful, and more transcendent experience of love. There may be no better example of how this apparent dichotomy is resolved than in the case of _self-actualizing love_, where two self-actualizing lovers maintain their strong individuality yet also transcend themselves, allowing for a more complete and transcendent love experience. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdcr735vwmtzaz3mefgkkry)) a fundamental motivation in humans is self-expansion, and one way (out of many ways) we fulfill this fundamental motivation is through romantic relationships, in which each partner incorporates aspects of the loved one’s self into one’s own self. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdcrv3nkznnn2pjd3k6xds7)) One key aspect of whole love is the healthy integration of the need for individuality and the need for connectedness. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdcses1x57tq4v0v4sbyvy8)) role engulfment is most likely to exist among those who are obsessively passionate about their relationship. For those who are harmoniously passionate about their relationship—where their relationship feels freely chosen, makes them feel good about who they are as a person, and is in harmony with the rest of the activities in their life—their relationships show greater personal growth, and they are more likely to maintain friendships, interests, and activities outside the romantic relationship ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdctp051dh0q771q0e5cavq)) exercising a certain degree of healthy selfishness in the relationship, which Maslow describes as “a great self-respect, a disinclination to make sacrifices without good reason.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdctyrmtgr7wtskn3hf4q9v)) helping each other grow _in their own direction_. As Maslow notes, this requires not _needing_ each other: “They can be extremely close together and yet go apart when necessary without collapsing. They do not cling to each other or have hooks or anchors of any kind. . . . Throughout the most intense and ecstatic love affairs, these people remain themselves and remain ultimately masters of themselves as well, living by their own standards even though enjoying each other intensely. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdcvj4fwpa9f1jmg55t3kp2)) The self-actualizing lover does not cling or push away, but witnesses, admires, and helps the other person grow. There is nothing incompatible between that and keeping your own sense of self. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdcwpr74ep14fr6ay2yaj8w)) ^8fedt9 - 💭 !!! both attachment theory and Buddhist psychology “highlight the importance of giving and receiving love and of minimizing anxious clinging or avoidant aloofness and suppression of unwanted mental experiences.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdcxph4wqbbd4tk8mtwh16b)) The more we can be present in our relationships and not try to make the moment meet our prior expectations, the more we can help our partner grow as an individual. As Maslow notes, > To be fully aware—as close to complete awareness as possible—means to focus wholly on the experience: to concentrate utterly, to pour one’s whole self into it, and to be unaware of everything else in the entire world and in all of time. This state necessarily includes a nonawareness of one’s own ego. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdd1d1174hwt07wf03dh296)) We have customarily defined [falling in love] in terms of a complete merging of egos and a loss of separateness, a giving up of individuality rather than a strengthening of it. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdd1yv2rsy6eq0eqzfa1cc0)) Another core aspect of self-actualizing love is having a renewed sense of awe and wonder for your partner. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdd295m27gn4t0e21wpg1ek)) ^p6sp6q The challenge for modern couples lies in reconciling the need for what’s safe and predictable with the wish to pursue what’s exciting, mysterious, and awe-inspiring.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdd3rzbaqw1cgch3zt43x1r)) - 💭 Mating in Captvitiy, Esther Perel engaging in joint participation of self-expanding activities that are novel, arousing, and exciting, and that provides new information and experiences. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdd4rc57j5vbhvsmxba5sdg)) Mystery doesn’t necessarily only come from that sense of excitement. It doesn’t only come from the unknown, it also comes from discovery, sometimes, as we discover each other. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdd5f55khg5ycw0b7b6yan1)) ^col5xx - 💭 Sharon Salzberg, author of Real Love We can too easily operate under the false illusion that we ever actually have our partner, as if they are a possession of ours in the sense that we own a new smartphone or shiny new car. With material possessions, we often obsess over a product and all the possibilities of how we will use it, only to find ourselves not caring or wanting it anymore after we finally purchase the item. However, this reasoning makes no sense when it comes to _human_ _beings_, who are constantly growing and developing. The moment we take our partner for granted, and assume that we have them forever, is the moment we stop discovering and admiring the depths of their full humanity. The sustainability of passion in a relationship is limited only by the imagination of the partners and a commitment to the safe exploration and growth of each other’s needs.[90](527) This not only helps to maintain passion in the relationship but also applies to the depths of enjoyment of the sexual experience. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdd78v9z9n8pdxbds8sp5qy)) - 💭 !!! B-Sex ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdd7n0m1n02pkvn4hftdamt)) Sex and love can be and most often are more perfectly fused with each other in [self-actualizing] people. —Abraham Maslow, _Motivation and Personality_ (1954) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdd8gshy610x9w9de1b8aep)) higher reported sexual pleasure and intimacy lead not only to boosts in positive mood but also to increases in a sense of meaning in life ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhsm4f0j7qbqzga23p3rv7q)) Our sexual activities seem to form their own hierarchy, ranging from D-sex (sex used as a way of temporarily fulfilling a deficiency in one’s basic needs) to B-sex (sex used for the purposes of growth and deeper fulfillment). ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grdd9hnpytc6v0kej0sqvywg)) Is Love All You Need? ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhsnwr0nktfa8f5pyt8tex3)) Kinsey Institute social psychologists Amanda Gesselman and Amy Moors define sexploration as “the degree to which individuals are able to effectively explore multifaceted dimensions of sexuality (e.g., behaviors, identity) as a function of secure attachment dynamics.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grddatj9471w5hrft4e0xv0x)) - 💭 insecure attachment styles lead to not as satisfying sexual satisfaction love was most strongly correlated with growth ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhspf7c58asc9fdz94r2kcc)) B-loving people can become easy targets for exploitation by more malevolent personalities. It’s not that those who are B-loving aren’t effective—we found they do tend to be more productive and hardworking—but extremely dark triad people may attempt to exploit their compassion and hard work to achieve their own self-enhancing goals ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhsq3z4t5j5pzv1g4zen285)) [anxiously attached] individuals appear to be lacking in their ability to recognize the actual needs and cues of distress in their partners, possibly because of being preoccupied with their own self-centered worries and internal self-doubts. Such chronic worries would tax their internal resources and prevent them from fully and genuinely attending to their partner’s own emotional experiences and needs . . . and this would perhaps explain their lower tendency to use sex to value their partner ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grddct22jx6xnp1vh944yck9)) with a secure foundation of safety, connection, and healthy self-esteem, and motivated by exploration and love, we are finally ready to strive toward a higher purpose that simultaneously benefits one’s own self _and_ the world ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhsswqcgvykqjep7dtxjz9j)) CHAPTER 6Purpose ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhst5mhk6x3yqqm7z6p1f3t)) elevated levels of social anxiety report less satisfying sexual experiences; they report experiencing less pleasure and feelings of connectedness when sexually intimate compared to those who are not socially anxious ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grddd7xq1exx26ha3fngqjdb)) - 💭 the need to perform, to satisfy your partner, but not feeling like you are, will drastically harm your own experience What’s important for health and growth is that all of one’s most passionate sexual activities are integrated and harmonious with one another, creating minimal conflict with other activities (sexual and nonsexual) in one’s life. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grddgd08zxpeemsxvc71vd5d)) another factor that influences sexual satisfaction and sexploration is romantic passion, or eros ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grddhg1ay7p3qhzr81v2m7m7)) While the mere physical act of sexual intercourse can be driven by many potential needs, eros has a very specific function: _to grow and express the depths of one’s love_. Sexuality is about stimulation and release, whereas eros is about imagination and possibility. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grddhyt8kqft7qzr0mjhq02p)) “[Self-actualizing] work transcends the self without trying to,” Maslow dictated into his tape recorder.[11](552) “[Self-actualizing] work is simultaneously a seeking and fulfilling of the self and also an achieving of the selflessness which is the ultimate expression of _real_ self.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grht2mcja2h2wjfengskvsw7)) ^tki6di - 💭 content creation people who pursue their selfish gratifications are _automatically_ helping others. Vice versa, when they are being altruistic, they are _automatically_ rewarded and gratified because what pleases them the most is using their wealth and competence to benefit all the other members of the culture ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grht44z1zx2yk9zt385a4gch)) ^olyze7 “They all seem to want to wait passively for it to happen without any effort on their part,” he noted.[14](555) “Self-actualization is hard work. . . . It involves a calling to service from the external, day-to-day world, not only a yearning from within. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grht57jvmt0myxp7a5z77abw)) The only happy people I know are the ones who are working well at something they consider important. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grht68gbdb6x7cd7rnjfrznz)) THE NEED FOR PURPOSE ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grht6np0fbkfeb6n1mccgp5t)) Before I started school striking I had no energy, no friends, and I didn’t speak to anyone. I just sat alone at home, with an eating disorder. All of that is gone now, since I have found a meaning, in a world that sometimes seems shallow and meaningless to so many people. Greta Thunberg, seventeen-year-old autistic climate change activist ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grht7rhe5ax2tmqzx4bxrb1f)) - 💭 shallow and meaningless to so many people Bugental wrote in his book _The Search for Authenticity_ ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grht9baacef5wfh11sqd2s5j)) - 💭 further reading “The actualizing person is busy with the concerns to which he has chosen to commit his living and seldom stops to assess his happiness,” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhtaanzm71sery6jgmpttgy)) ^51a1lo Contending that we must learn to give up happiness as the goal of life, he argued that it is a privilege of existence to have “worthwhile pain”—childbirth, loving someone very much even though you suffer their troubles as well, being tortured over your craft. **Good living and happiness, Maslow contended, must be redefined to include such instances of “miserable privileges”: “Perhaps we can define happiness as experiencing real emotions over real problems and real tasks.** ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhtb686fwgnebvjz28w8vb7)) ^dcavlw - 💭 happiness Having a purpose fuels perseverance despite obstacles because perseverance is seen as worth the effort. As Nietzsche said: “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how[^1].” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhtj7khb1tkh4jm0pmtfk46)) Frankl believed not only that the will to meaning is the most important existential concern in our lives but crucially that it is _irreducible_ to the other needs. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhtjy0cv5dx66c4wj2b38jh)) As Erich Fromm noted, to be sane in an _insane society_ is in itself a marker of insanity! ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhtr65254ys349fmgccxega)) STRIVING WISELY ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhtrsxmr7db9b1m3et2vja0)) The What of Purpose ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhts815p5n169fcxzn8nydk)) Goals that are conducive to growth—mastery, self-improvement, creativity, connection, contribution to society—are likely to lead to greater well-being than goals concerned with status and driven by insecurity—attaining power, money, self-esteem, appearance, or popularity. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhtxj3qra4jq2ear3dhdr78)) ^l1jeqc Ideally, our strivings would be organized in such a way that they are supportive of our “ultimate concern” and help us become a better whole person. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhysf2yvbevd067pmg1gez2)) creativity researcher E. Paul Torrance initiated a long-term study among a group of elementary school students with the aim of defining the most important characteristics of creativity throughout one’s life-span. At the twenty-five-year follow-up, one of the most important predictors of creativity was the extent to which the participants “fell in love with a future image of themselves” in their youth. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhyvdbj0vhf91qw45vw9gwv)) ^ql07m4 “life’s most energizing and exciting moments occur in those split seconds when our struggling and searching are suddenly transformed into the dazzling aura of the profoundly new, an image of the future.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhyvs5ew5w2317v6es8hqkh)) you may have “get more social media followers” as your highest striving, but it’s unlikely that the realization of this goal in and of itself will be conducive to growth as a whole person ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhyx7t3bmatf1kdhjxryzng)) The Why of Purpose ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhyz1p27emq8n7gr6f9634k)) It’s important to not only choose goals that are highly conducive to growth, but to choose them for the right reasons—so that they resonate with you at a very deep level. It’s entirely possible to adopt a growth goal but still not feel that it’s _really_ you. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhz23wf9r301deqjxa16qvp)) ^o4t5i5 reflecting on the reasons _why_ we chose certain goals ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhz2apf9m828hd0peczh0he)) Motivational quality (MQ) continuum ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhz3044h73vxbmcxaf0k43x)) - 💭 REFERENCE! We often operate so much at the level of our “rational self” (who we “should” be) that we lose touch with our “experiential self” (who we _actually_ are) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhz7n69c1nq9m81zab7747q)) ^qyskdu - 💭 !!! - Who we are should naturally be this rational self MORAL PURPOSE ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhz893w7ngrc8rfcpx85rgr)) _Some Do Care_.[56](597) According to Colby and Damon, “moral exemplars” are: ^jazn32 - _Principled/virtuous_: They show “a sustained commitment to moral ideals or principles that include a generalized respect for humanity; or a sustained evidence of moral virtue.” - _Consistent_: They have “a disposition to act in accord with one’s moral ideals or principles, implying also a consistency between one’s actions and intentions and between the means and the ends of one’s actions.” - _Brave_: They show “a willingness to risk one’s self-interest for the sake of one’s moral values.” - _Inspiring_: They have “a tendency to be inspiring to others and thereby to move them to moral action.” - _Humble_: They demonstrate “a sense of realistic humility about one’s own importance relative to the world at large, implying a relative lack of concern for one’s own ego.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzebjpzq0jp2s9fwthyj2r)) the common thread between heroes and villains is their capacity for toughness, bravery, risk-taking, and rebelliousness. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzc03k5ghcdmb61ndnkq43)) - 💭 x-altruists the greatest source of growth, energy, and wholeness comes about when our agentic drive to realize the deepest part of us is harmoniously integrated with our drive to have a positive effect on others—whether it’s through mastering a craft, giving birth to an artistic creation, inspiring leadership, or being involved in a humanitarian organization. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzfy8p39ysz43w2kym66a4)) ^wse1xs PURSUING WISELY ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzgjx911y06mepvbaa8ba4)) If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you’ll be deeply unhappy for the rest of your life. You will be evading your own capacities, your own possibilities. —Abraham Maslow, _The Farther Reaches of Human Nature_ (1971) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzgrhtb5jx1n3xaqasg0ya)) ^kw0dba - SMART Goals - Grit and equanimity - Harmonious passion - Exercising your signature strengths - Hope - Being supported - Knowing when to move on ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzh5n3y3mbr44k76k6zt81)) We found a _zero_ correlation between having a diversity of interests and being inconsistent in your interests—but a significant _positive_ correlation between having diverse interests and persevering in the face of adversity. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzjwq1dhaj8za8qdcayzm2)) ^6iviqa equanimity is radiating warmth and openness as you encounter the inevitable stressors of life ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzmq4gjhy09p3df51zbybe)) ^1e5eje Equanimity also consists of a cultivation of mindfulness and observation, of not pursuing one’s purpose with blinders on but constantly being open to new information ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzmzj348k0yrh4q1aw96zc)) ^64ry3s equanimity is balance, stability, and centeredness. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzn8p8vhvd0pdq4cs175ke)) ^f2qmq7 grit was correlated with a number of markers of well-being, including autonomy, environmental mastery, self-acceptance, personal growth, purpose in life, and positive relationships with others. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhznm0yp9bwcs8t75sm55we)) Harmonious Passion ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzr3jd4mv5xq5c9xrz5f7t)) Exercising Your Signature Strengths ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzxbsmg12bmk2gw0x9az91)) using your greatest personality strengths in new and different ways ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzxqt7emtbe52vvajdd217)) Hope ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzxyb4fqbd7t4mpyjrr2mj)) HOPE SCALE Goal-Directed Energy ^vo8z32 - I energetically pursue my goals. - My past experiences have prepared me well for my future. - I’ve been pretty successful in life. - I meet the goals that I set for myself. Pathways - I can think of many ways to get out of a jam. - There are lots of ways around any problem. - I can think of many ways to get the things in life that are important to me. - Even when others get discouraged, I know I can find a way to solve the problem. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzzczaxgmme5gz99c2vjvf)) Being Supported ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grhzzys4qemgsta02backnfh)) Enlightened leaders exhibit the following characteristics: ^gi7dwl - Enlightened leaders lead by example. They set high standards for performance, work as hard as anyone else in the organization, and articulate clearly, with genuine enthusiasm, a compelling purpose or vision of the future for the organization. - Enlightened leaders are good at informing employees. They make explicit links between the tasks of the job and the broader purpose and vision of the organization, make clear their expectations, and give honest and fair answers in response to their employees’ concerns. - Enlightened leaders trust employees, explicitly stating their confidence and belief that the employees will meet their high expectations. - Enlightened leaders engage in participative decision-making, downplaying power hierarchies, encouraging and giving all employees an opportunity to voice opinions, and using feedback to make decisions in the workplace. - Enlightened leaders are good at coaching employees, providing help when necessary, teaching employees how to solve problems on their own, telling employees when they are performing well, helping them stay on task, and sometimes seeing greater possibilities for them than they may even see in themselves. - Enlightened leaders show that they care about their employees, finding the time to chat with individual employees and get their feedback, figuring out ways of increasing well-being and meaning in the workplace, and assigning tasks that are challenging and will continually help their employees grow, develop, and feel a sense of authentic pride. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj02ad2786t6yx8937t4xhy)) long-lasting regret more likely occurs when a person with unanswered callings doesn’t view their current occupation as a calling (what the researchers refer to as a “missed calling”). When employees viewed their current occupation as a calling, their “additional callings” were much less likely to be a source of negative emotions. I believe this is one reason why having a diversity of interests is associated with so many growth-related outcomes in life. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj06hwe6674fycshqk12h6n)) ^vixe66 Knowing When to Move On ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj06r9qjkm6sqx2bcjsygs4)) TOWARD HIGHER CEILINGS OF HUMAN NATURE ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj0935emzcmfq519q25wnee)) Ultimately, Maslow came to believe that self-actualization was not, in fact, the pinnacle of the hierarchy of human needs. He realized there is a human longing for something even higher. . . . ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj0as9yt79veq800eevxere)) CHAPTER 7Peak Experiences ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj3xm862pafjcgb8r2442pr)) “Self-actualizing people, those who have come to a high level of maturation, health, and self-fulfillment, have so much to teach us that sometimes they seem almost like a different breed of human beings. But because it is so new, the exploration of the highest reaches of human nature and of its ultimate possibilities and aspirations is a difficult and tortuous task.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj434s65pngmxtrsdve7bkd)) - 💭 !!! - Complete absorption - Richer perception - Disorientation in physical time and space - Intrinsic reward of the experience - Ego transcendence - Dichotomy transcendence - Momentary loss of fears, anxieties, and inhibitions - Greater acceptance and forgiveness of oneself and others - Heightened aestheticism, wonder, awe, and surrender - Fusion of the person and the world ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj43j9sn0090zd1vg1khk87)) - 💭 cognition during a peak experience ^p0h4cq Maslow commented that “the person is more apt to feel that life . . . is worthwhile, even if it is usually drab, pedestrian, painful, or ungratifying, since beauty, truth, and meaningfulness have been demonstrated to exist. . . . I think these aftereffects can all be generalized and a feeling of them communicated if the peak-experience could be likened to a visit to a personally defined Heaven from which the person then returns to earth.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj46j7f2mjva866xakrbdf4)) any person in any of the peak experiences can temporarily take on many of the characteristics of self-actualizing people ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj46xnw9e72mneenern6y1t)) THE SCIENCE OF TRANSCENDENT EXPERIENCES ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj47hcyc5ssz73mcc9hn04k)) transcendent experiences as “transient mental states marked by decreased self-salience and increased feelings of connectedness.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj4dt832db6pvaxcy15s53w)) when the self temporarily disappears, so, too, may some of these fears and anxieties. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj4e9n4hpk9gmcxkhayt9mj)) - 💭 the self we nurture is weighed down by so much. psychedelics and mindfulness helps you forget about the anxiety and worries, and lets you start with a blank slate.  ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj4gds6tmnr21knz08n5fmm)) ^v6pssh HEALTHY SELF-LOSS ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj4jcgh64cxt9adq193k2r1)) self-actualizing people are simultaneously the most individualistic and the most altruistic and social and loving of all human beings. The fact that we have in our culture put these qualities at opposite ends of a single continuum is apparently a mistake that must now be corrected. These qualities go together and the dichotomy is resolved in self-actualizing people. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj4qherx4083ysrqyc6zbzz)) ^3dgc1e AWE: THE EVERYPERSON’S SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj4r12gy4h8dhp9b6v5dw4a)) two main cognitive appraisals that are central to awe experiences: the perception of vastness and the struggle to mentally process the experience. Vastness need not be perceptual, such as seeing the Grand Canyon, but can also be conceptual, such as contemplating eternity. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj4s2y8f1zn677s8qvqnrqg)) ^ka0c9j “Natural scenery” was described as the most frequent trigger, although other triggers were also represented: great skill, encounter with God, great virtue, building or monument, powerful leader, grand theory or idea, music, art, epiphany. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj4v90dg43wf05w93dm3rjh)) ^yg857j - 💭 causes of awe The six facets of the Awe Experience Scale include Vastness (e.g., “I experienced something greater than myself”), Need for Accommodation (e.g., “I found it hard to comprehend the experience in full”), Time (e.g., “I sensed things momentarily slow down”), Self-Diminishment (e.g., “I felt that my sense of self was diminished”), Connectedness (e.g., “I felt closely connected to humanity”), and Physical Sensations (e.g., “I had chills”). ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj4vz6c7z92729gejxh2akw)) ^8ja527 MIND-ALTERING INTERVENTIONS ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj4wtfmfb3qkxa1a3an8tjf)) experiences induced by psychedelic substances were rated as more intensely mystical, resulted in a reduced fear of death, increased one’s sense of purpose, and increased spirituality ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj50q7pw0wg3ch4pjd4xtbf)) ^0v9nu5 after a two-month follow-up, participants in a controlled psychedelic session in the laboratory showed positive changes in mood, altruism, and a sense of well-being or life satisfaction.[65](729) The majority of participants even rated the experience among the top five most personally meaningful experiences of their entire lives. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj51395m6m66qcyha4b57cd)) ^7ymjga there is a growth-oriented core to each of us that is full of openness, love, and meaning, but which is held back by our ordinary perceptions, fears, and anxieties. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj53qmv5ycf80955k70q0bk)) ^hkfh07 One such technology is virtual reality (VR), a particularly promising tool for generating feelings of awe. Some of the most awe-inspiring experiences—such as reaching the peak of a high mountain or viewing earth from the vantage point of space[75](739)—are difficult to re-create in laboratory settings but are getting increasingly more realistic in VR technology. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj552c1wbamjvdz00w8encm)) Healthy Integration of Mind-Altering Interventions ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj56crazgzt3ejfz3xms1vh)) Most of us would choose a life of autonomy and the occasional struggle than a life in which we could receive an instant dose of happiness or feelings of transcendence whenever we wanted.[85](749) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj5782fn6zfk8c50n4vk4zj)) ^02tau0 - 💭 !!! the most profound experiences in life are those in which we overcome a seemingly life-threatening or impossible struggle, and then fully accept or meditate on the experience and acquire deep insight: _Wow, I don’t need to live with the fear._ ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj581dc8cfbc3qp3j25qzry)) ^kra5x3 “How can we integrate transcendent experiences into the ongoing stream of everyday life?” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj58aw64r19y3475epafr1c)) In an unpublished paper written on November 29, 1966, called “Drugs—Critique,” Maslow noted that if you have achieved a victory, whether earning your income through hard work or through mastering a difficult craft, then the victory is “health-fostering,” but if you have not earned the victory, then it is “sickness-fostering.”[89](753) Maslow believed there are no shortcuts to authentic, long-lasting self-actualization, and that a quick hit of transcendence without the hard work of inner integration can be dangerous. “I think it’s clearly better to work for your blessings, instead of to buy them,” Maslow wrote in a separate correspondence. “I think an unearned Paradise becomes worthless.”[90](754) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj6atgz0mg27wgs7ay63x4s)) CHAPTER 8Theory Z: Toward the Farther Reaches of Human Nature ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj6eay2sxrx0syy6ddydzek)) healthy transcendence involves harnessing all that you are in the service of realizing the best version of yourself so you can help raise the bar for the whole of humanity. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj6gp13zbwct53j9s12ve71)) ^2tr0d8 TRANSCENDERS ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj6gx353hk9m6q7amts2x6h)) the merely healthy fulfill the expectations of Douglas MacGregor’s Theory Y: they are free of deficiency needs and are driven by the desire for actualization of their personal potential and development of their identity, individuality, and uniqueness ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj6kw71v3fq5gry4qdr4vfa)) ^23y1dn they also _transcend_ Theory Y, having more frequent “illuminations or insights or cognitions which changed their view of the world and of themselves, perhaps occasionally, perhaps as a usual thing.”[6](763) Maslow proposed that transcenders are “metamotivated” by higher ideals and values that go beyond the satisfaction of basic needs and the fulfillment of one’s unique self. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj6mbn42zm72jy5nzzy26tg)) B-values includes truth, goodness, beauty, justice, meaningfulness, playfulness, aliveness, uniqueness, excellence, simplicity, elegance, and wholeness. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj6mfg178y23spc1jqjgh87)) ^25quw0 Maslow’s Characteristics of Transcenders[7](764) ^uzo9yt - For the transcenders, peak experiences and plateau experiences become the most important things in their lives, the high spots, the validators of life, the most precious aspect of life. - The transcenders speak easily, naturally, and unconsciously the language of Being (B-language), the language of poets, of mystics, of seers, of profoundly religious people, of those who live under the aspect of eternity. - They perceive the sacred within the secular, i.e., the sacredness in all things at the same time that they also see them at the practical, everyday level. They can sacrilize everything at will, i.e., perceive it under the aspect of eternity. This ability is in addition to—not mutually exclusive from—good reality testing. - They are much more consciously and deliberately motivated by B-values, such as perfection, truth, beauty, goodness, unity, dichotomy-transcendence, B-amusement, etc. - They seem somehow to recognize one another and to come to an almost instant intimacy and mutual understanding even upon first meeting. - They are more responsive to beauty, or rather they tend to beautify all things—including things that may seem ugly to most people. - They are more holistic about the world than are the “healthy” or practical self-actualizers (who are also holistic in this same sense). Humankind is one, and the cosmos is one, and such concepts as the “national interest” or “the religion of my father” or “different grades of people or of IQ” either cease to exist or are easily transcended. - Overlapping this statement of holistic perceiving is a strengthening of the self-actualizer’s natural tendency to synergy—intrapsychic, interpersonal, intracultural, and international. Synergy transcends the dichotomy between selfishness and unselfishness and includes them both under a single superordinate concept. It is transcendence of competitiveness, of zero-sum, of win-lose gamesmanship. - They transcend the ego more often and more easily. - Not only are such people lovable, as are all of the most self-actualizing people, they are also more awe-inspiring, more “unearthly, more easily revered.” They have more often produced the thought “This is a great man.” - Transcenders are far more apt to be innovators, discoverers of the new, of what actually could be, what exists in potential—and therefore of what might be brought to pass. - Transcenders are less “happy” than the healthy ones. They can be more ecstatic, more rapturous, and experience greater heights of “happiness,” but they are as prone—or maybe more prone—to a kind of cosmic sadness or B-sadness over the stupidity of people, their self-defeat, their blindness, their cruelty to one another, their shortsightedness. Perhaps this comes from the contrast between what actually is and the ideal world that the transcenders can see so easily and so vividly, and which is in principle so easily attainable. Perhaps this is a price these people have to pay for their direct seeing of the beauty of the world, of the saintly possibilities in human nature, of the nonnecessity of so much of human evil, of the seemingly obvious necessities for a good world; for human goodness rather than for higher IQs or greater expertness at some atomistic job, etc. - Transcenders can more easily live in both the D- and B-realms simultaneously because they can sacralize everybody so much more easily. The sacredness of every person and even of every living thing, even of nonliving things that are beautiful, etc., is so easily and directly perceived in its reality by every transcender that they can hardly forget it for a moment. - Transcenders find that increasing knowledge is associated with an increased sense of mystery, awe, humility, ultimate ignorance, reverence, and a sense of oblation. Most people pursue knowledge to lessen mystery and to reduce anxiety. But for peak experiencers and transcenders in particular, as well as for self-actualizers in general, mystery is attractive and challenging rather than frightening. - Transcenders are more likely to be good selectors of creators (who sometimes look nutty or kooky). On the flip side, transcenders are also more able to screen out the nuts and kooks who are not creative. - Transcenders tend to be more “reconciled with evil” in the sense of understanding its occasional inevitability and necessity in the larger holistic sense. Since this implies a better understanding of it, it should generate both a greater compassion with it and a less ambivalent and a more unyielding fight against it. To understand more deeply means, at this level, to be more decisive, to have less conflict, ambivalence, regret, and thus to act more swiftly, surely, and effectively. One can compassionately strike down an evil person if this is necessary. - *Transcenders are more apt to regard themselves as carriers of talent, instruments of the transpersonal. This means a certain particular kind of objectivity or detachment toward themselves that to nontranscenders might sound like arrogance, grandiosity, or even paranoia.* - Transcenders are more apt to be profoundly “religious” or “spiritual” in either the theistic or nontheistic sense, excluding their historical, conventional, superstitious, or institutional meanings. - Transcenders find it easier to transcend the ego, the self, and the identity and to go beyond self-actualization. Nontranscending self-actualizers are described primarily as having strong identities, people who know who they are, where they are going, what they want, what they are good for, in a word, as strong Selves, using themselves well and authentically and in accordance with their own true nature. And this of course does not sufficiently describe the transcenders. They are certainly this, but they are also more than this. - Transcenders, because of their easier perception of the B-realm, have more end experiences, more of the fascinations that we see in children who get hypnotized by the colors in a puddle, by raindrops dripping down a windowpane, by the smoothness of skin, or by the movements of a caterpillar. - Transcenders are somewhat more Taoistic, and the merely healthy somewhat more pragmatic. B-cognition makes everything look more miraculous, more perfect, just as it should be. It therefore breeds less impulse to do anything to the object that is fine just as it is, less needing improvement, or intruding upon it. There should then be more impulse simply to stare at it and examine it than to do anything about it or with it. - “Postambivalence” tends to be more characteristic of all self-actualizers and may turn out to be little more so in some transcenders. Originating in Freudian theory, this term means total wholehearted and unconflicted love, acceptance, expressiveness, rather than the more usual mixture of love and hate that passes for “love” or friendship or sexuality or authority or power, etc. - With increasing maturity of character, higher levels of pay (“metapay”) and reward (“metareward”) other than money and accolades increase in importance. Of course, a large proportion of self-actualizing people have probably fused work and play anyway; i.e., they love their work. Of them, one could say, they get paid for what they would do as a hobby anyway, for doing work that is intrinsically satisfying. However, transcenders additionally actively seek out jobs that make peak experiences and B-cognition more likely.[8](765) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj6pp22x6pg6fav9nmjzeft)) The Theory Z worldview is full of awe, beauty, wonder, savoring, exploration, discovery, openness, holistic perception, unconditional acceptance, gratitude, B-love, B-humility (honest assessment of one’s capacities rather than hiding one’s self),[10](767) B-playfulness,[11](768) ego transcendence, synergy, unity, intrinsic motivation for work, and a motivation for the ultimate values in life. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj714t8cmk88edhah6ggfxf)) WHAT HUMANS _COULD_ BE ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj73277mnkn9y2z0e9m3q0j)) Take education. A true humanistic education involves educating the whole child and treating children and their own unique personal goals, dreams, and aspirations as valuable, regardless of how tightly aligned they are to the teacher’s curriculum.[23](780) Imagine if schools weren’t only a place to learn standardized academic material but were also places full of wonder, awe, and self-actualization—as well as hope for humanity. What’s more, imagine if school weren’t so separate from life. What if children went home at the end of the day inspired to continue being learners of the world throughout the rest of their day? Instilling a love of learning would be instilling an important B-value into students. As Maslow pointed out: “Humanistic education means educationalizing the whole of life, rather than having education take place in one kind of building and not outside it.”[24](781) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj76m4kw2a9mwjm0vrdk2nq)) ^63ufe9 While the word “sacred” often has religious connotations, Maslow pointed out one can have the felt sense of the sacred—experiencing reverence, mystery, wonder, and awe—just about anywhere and for anyone. Imagine if instead of only feeling a deep sense of connectedness and oneness with all of humanity in a church on Sundays, and immediately going on Twitter after church and calling out people who we disagree with, we maintained that feeling of the sacred in every encounter during the course of our lives. Imagine if we _all_ did that with each other. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj7aybh0bvkapfby63gdzyh)) ^uuav7a - 💭 !!! It’s time for us to take responsibility for the society we live in and to help create the conditions that will help all people not only self-actualize but also transcend. We can simultaneously work on making the good society better and making _ourselves_ better. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj7f419atkhbaxmrwprptcx)) ^zg71wq - 💭 !!! THE ULTIMATE UNKNOWN ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj7exkjr36s5q9vwd05zvsq)) There was a statistically significant increase in ratings from pre-game to post-game on the following aspects of well-being: - Receiving help and support from others when it is needed - Feeling a sense of direction in life - Feeling less anxious - Generally feeling happy ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj7jr2e3jzvssnssmet2759)) - 💭 "the end", a game on mortality “Though the physicality of death destroys us, the _idea_ of death may save us.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj7mzwmd3y2mwp4s0wdm9e5)) when given the opportunity to reflect more deeply and personally about their mortality over a sustained period of time, people tend to show a shift toward growth-oriented values—self-acceptance, intimacy, and community feeling—and away from extrinsic, status-oriented values such as money, image, and popularity. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj7p7fe1x0g9h5ejkwz31yz)) ^puqo2v Three characteristics that seem to be especially predictive of growth after an extended period of death awareness are mindfulness, openness to experiences, and having a quiet ego ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj7pp9x9r8jd73s3yymm181)) ^p7nekw THE PLATEAU EXPERIENCE ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj7qr8f8kheexedtdrt84cw)) His private diaries tell a different story, however. They reveal a man increasingly facing his inner conflicts, struggles, and insecurities as honestly as possible right up to his death. One inner conflict that dogged his life was an insatiable need to be connected and liked by others, and for others to validate his sense of importance. Yet he also had a grandiose side in which he saw himself as a Messiah who “felt the great weight of responsibility & authority on my shoulders . . . & felt the responsibility of being the authority _so_ heavily that it threw me into tension & exhaustion.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj7rsxacc7y3dqg9q1k7qrh)) While peak experiences are ecstatic and momentary, Maslow argued that plateau experiences are more enduring and cognitive and involve seeing the extraordinary in the ordinary ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj7x92nc6pxzt3yc720q2zq)) ^gxszr0 If you’re reconciled with death or even if you are pretty well assured that you will have a good death, a dignified one, then every single moment of every single day is transformed because the pervasive undercurrent—the fear of death—is removed. . . . I am living an end-life where everything ought to be an end in itself, where I shouldn’t waste any time preparing for the future, or occupying myself with means to later ends. . . . Sometimes I get the feeling of my writing being a communication to my great-great-grandchildren who, of course, are not yet born. It’s a kind of an expression of love for them, leaving them not money but in effect affectionate notes, bits of counsel, lessons I have learned that might help them. . . . ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj81nwbs7ej0922fzes1em8)) I was able to track down some of the B-exercises that Maslow was working on during the last few years of his life. I include some of them here in the hopes that they can further help you in your own journey of integration, wholeness, and transcendent experience. Feel free to return to these again and again, as they are timeless. ^1s3kt7 - Sample things. - Keep your eye on the ends, not only on the means. - Fight familiarization. Seek fresh experiences. - Solve the Deficiency-problem (i.e., don’t always regard the Deficiency-realm as prepotent over the Being-realm). - Get out of the Deficiency-world by deliberately going into the B-realm. Seek out art galleries, libraries, museums, beautiful or grand trees, and the mountains or seashore. - Avoid dichotomizing the D-realm and the B-realm. They are (or should be) hierarchically integrated. An either/or choice is not necessary. The firmest foundation for the Being-realm is to have satisfied Deficiency-needs (such as for safety, connection, or self-esteem). - Cultivate periods of quiet, meditation, “getting out of the world,” and getting out of our usual locality, immediate concerns, apprehensions, and forebodings. Periodically get away from time-and-space concerns, away from clocks, calendars, responsibilities, demands from the world, duties, and other people. - Go into the dreamy state. - Perceive the eternal, intrinsic laws of the cosmos. To accept or even love these laws is Taoistic and the essence of a good citizen of the universe. - Embrace your past. - Embrace your guilt rather than running from it. - Be compassionate with yourself. Be understanding, accepting, forgiving, and perhaps even loving about your foibles as expressions of human nature. Enjoy and smile at yourself. - Ask yourself: How would this situation look to a child? To the innocent? To a very old person who is beyond personal ambition and competition? - Try to recover the sense of the miraculous about life. For example, a baby is a miracle. Think, for that baby now, “anything could happen” and “the sky is the limit.” Cultivate that sense of infinite possibility. The sense of admiration, awe, respect, and wonder. - To better appreciate your own present life situation, compare yourself not with those seemingly luckier than you but rather with others less fortunate than you. - You musn’t be ashamed to be good in a cynical world. - Never underestimate the power of a single individual to affect the world. Remember, one candle in a cave lights everything. - In order to regain authentic dignity and pride, try not concealing, not relying on external signs of validation (uniforms, medals, a cap and gown, labels, social roles). Show yourself as ultimately naked and self-revealing. Show your secret scars, shames, and guilts. - Remember, it took one child in the fairy tale to say, “The Emperor has no clothes!” and then everyone saw it. - **Do not let anyone force roles on you.** That is, do not act the way other people think that a doctor, minister, or teacher should act if it is not natural for you. - Do not conceal your ignorance. Admit it. - Engage in deliberate, experimental philanthropy. If sometimes you are no good for yourself (depressed, anxious), at least you can be good for someone else. - If you find yourself becoming egoistic, arrogant, conceited, or puffed up, think of mortality. Or think of other arrogant and conceited people and see how they look. Do you want to look like that? Do you want to take yourself that seriously? To be that unhumorous? - Contemplate people who are admirable, beautiful, lovable, or respectworthy. - Try narrowed-down absorption or close-up fascination with the small world—for instance, the anthills, insects on the ground. Closely inspect flowers or blades of grass, grains of sand, or the earth. Watch intently without interfering. - Use the artist’s or photographer’s trick of seeing the object in itself. For instance, frame it and thereby cut it away from its surroundings, away from your preconceptions, expectations, and theories of how it should look. Enlarge the object. Or squint at it so you see only general outlines. Or gaze at it from unexpected angles, such as upside down. Look at the object reflected in a mirror. Put it in unexpected backgrounds, in out-of-the-ordinary juxtapositions, or through unusual color filters. Gaze at it for a very long time. Gaze while free associating or daydreaming. - Be with babies or children for a long period of time. They are closer to the Being-realm. Sometimes, you can experience the Being-realm in the presence of animals, like kittens, puppies, monkeys, or apes. - Contemplate your life from a historian’s viewpoint—one hundred or even one thousand years in the future. - Contemplate your life from the viewpoint of a nonhuman species—for example, as it might appear to ants. - Imagine that you have only one year left to live. - Contemplate your daily life as though being seen from a great distance, such as from a remote village in Africa. - Look at a familiar person or situation as if viewing for the very first time. - Look at the same person or situation as if viewing for the very last time; imagine, for instance, that the person is going to die before you see him or her again. Think as vividly as you can how you would feel, what you would truly lose, and about what you would be sorry. Would you have any regret or remorse? How would you conduct an effective good-bye to avoid later feeling a sense of gnawing incompleteness? And how would you best preserve your fullest memory of this person? - Imagine yourself to be dying—or to be on the edge of execution. Then imagine how vivid and precious everything and everyone looks. Imagine vividly saying good-bye to each of the persons you love best. What would you say to each one? What would you do? How would you feel? ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj836pdpkjdfkzfshdygxa6)) While we should not strive for perfection, each of us is capable of transcendence in this brief, suffering, and yet sometimes miraculous lifetime. We each have the potential to be a guide to future generations, to help them fill out the rest of the pages in their own style. That’s precisely what Maslow has done for me, and I will forever be grateful for the privilege of witnessing his own life’s journey, and the inspiration and solid ground it provided for my own journey, the fruits of which lie in your hands. In return, I hope the information and humanity in this book inspires you to get out there and live your own full existence. There’s a wide world out there, with many blank pages for you to fill in your own style, and in such a way that you not only existed but existed well. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grj8czbk5k7kv5hnb5bzdswb)) ^gc0382 - 💭 !!! Seven Principles for Becoming a Whole Person ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsqq5wp7vg8nfkm5qes4wj7)) PRINCIPLE ACCEPT YOUR WHOLE SELF, NOT JUST YOUR BEST SELF[2](837) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsqrmc6n3jja3dha2yh3n6r)) An important first step to getting in touch with your best self is becoming aware as much as possible of your whole self and accepting the totality of your being. This includes accepting all of the aspects of yourself that you dislike and are too quick to disown. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsr00dqcgqg30hw6jd0mg39)) acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean liking. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsr0cdtwkyed20t8e172xw7)) - 💭 as long as you're responsible for yourself PRINCIPLE LEARN TO TRUST YOUR SELF-ACTUALIZING TENDENCY ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsr1cwz42ttv2synme3ys82)) OVP is a vital part of humanity and evolved in order to help the organism move in the direction of growth ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsr6a962e7kh4815ws4s0n5)) - 💭 organismic valuing process, ability to know what's best for ourselves ORGANISMIC VALUING SCALE ^5nsnn3 - I know the things that are right for me. - I get what I need from life. - The decisions I make are the right ones for me. - I feel that I am in touch with myself. - I feel integrated with myself. - I do the things that are right for me. - The decisions I make are based on what is right for me. - I am able to listen to myself. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsr7vabt7mwn8bvqfsk9etq)) SECURITY VS. GROWTH GOALS ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsr97s130qdtxygbm6py2qc)) - 💭 security is social and financial validation, growth is giving under conditions of complete freedom to choose, people tend to move toward growth ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsr8pmgpsat1rem4ry5v869)) PRINCIPLE BECOME AWARE OF YOUR INNER CONFLICTS ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsrby6kvdg61xvcesxsf1gk)) the more we engage in a particular “sub-self”—or evolved component of the mind—the stronger that sub-self becomes and the quicker it is to activate in the future. Vice versa, the less we engage in that corner of the mind, the weaker the signal ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsrea3vpnr056dmysgm0a9e)) The typical romantic relationship can be thought of as blending some combination of attachment, caregiving, lust, and romantic passion. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsrjkt5jga7pp9bszvgbddt)) Any combination of the elements of romantic love is theoretically possible. We can become attached to people whom we do not like—or even those we despise—developing a dependency on them. We can care deeply about people we do not even know but are nevertheless motivated to alleviate their suffering, such as starving children in a third world country. We can become intensely lustful toward people we otherwise find repulsive and fall in love with ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsrkj7d6z1gywmyzey8tg1y)) PRINCIPLE LOOK OUT FOR LOPSIDED DEVELOPMENT ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsrkv1b2gec8hwwsdw2e8c4)) trends are attitudes toward other people and life that provide a feeling of safety and security during times of confusion and distress but which ultimately stunt growth ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsrpnsb82s0vw4kd13nn08d)) - 💭 neurotic trends three main categories: (a) The extreme need for compliance and to be liked by others (“Moving Toward People”), (b) The extreme need to be antagonistic toward others and to constantly be rebellious (“Moving Against People”), and (c) The extreme need to become detached from people and always prove one’s capacity for self-sufficiency (“Moving Away from People”) ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grsrnhsccj03vbnn3mhjah3j)) PRINCIPLE CREATE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grss17ew9gr9bqbx4xgrxd6b)) “The process of therapy helps the adult to discover that the childish (repressed) necessity for the approval of others no longer need exist in the childish form and degree, and that the terror of losing these others with the accompanying fear of being weak, helpless and abandoned is no longer realistic and justified as it was for the child. For the adult, others can be and should be less important than for the child.” ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grssdmseexcs98yzq28bwtnz)) - 💭 [[Therapy]] the founder of CBT, Aaron Beck, told me that he was deeply influenced by humanistic thinkers such as Karen Horney, Abraham Maslow, and Gordon Allport. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grssem1kqjz0qcnse8ktk3je)) ^j8qllj PRINCIPLE STRIVE FOR GROWTH, NOT HAPPINESS ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grssrp538x3pjnj5yme94tmp)) PRINCIPLE HARNESS THE POWER OF YOUR DARK SIDE ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grssr9qz87x10s2hyp54h62p)) APPENDIX II Growth Challenges ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grssvh61p5zv41f345r1vxcn)) GROWTH CHALLENGE EXPLORE YOUR DARK SIDE ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grst2cyecbpz57mtwe2v11ca)) GROWTH CHALLENGE FACE YOUR FEARS ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grstjjn8b9tj0hgzvbhr2qav)) GROWTH CHALLENGE GROW TOGETHER, CULTIVATE A SECURE RELATIONSHIP ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grwcm5vhqyxygfp6w9ybc34c)) PSYCHOLOGICAL FEARS SCALE Fear of Failure 1. I am afraid of failing in somewhat difficult situations when a lot depends on me. 2. I feel uneasy doing something if I am not sure of succeeding. 3. If I do not understand a problem immediately, I start feeling anxious. Fear of Rejection 4. When I get to know new people, I often fear being rejected by them. 5. Being given the cold shoulder when approaching strangers makes me feel insecure. 6. Being rejected is a big deal for me. Fear of Losing Control 7. I become scared when I lose control over things. 8. I start worrying instantly when I notice that I don’t have an impact on some things. 9. The idea of not having any control in a situation frightens me. Fear of Losing Emotional Contact 10. I am absolutely devastated if a good friend breaks off contact with me. 11. I become agitated when I lose emotional contact with my loved ones. 12. If a close friend blows me off, I become anxious about our relationship. Fear of Losing Reputation 13. I would be very worried if my good reputation was in danger. 14. I’m very keen on an undamaged reputation. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grstkkg0w1m83a7t808mh01d)) Together, start by coming up with at least two or three elements of your relationship that you cherish the most and which bring you the most satisfaction (i.e., the fun you have together, your common vision of the future, what you learn from each other, etc.). ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grwcnb33ev2cjrwfq5kys7tx)) share one concern or insecurity that they may harbor ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grwcnxgf12xghdjbhy1aytra)) - 💭 say i instead of you, wait until end and repeat back - What am I afraid of? Why is this so scary to me? What is the worst possible outcome of this happening to me? - What could be a potentially favorable outcome of this fear unfolding? In what ways might I grow as a person? What might I learn? What parts of myself can I rely on (i.e., specific qualities, strengths) that could help me overcome my greatest fear? ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grstn3jk52tmzttj6vxtngv5)) GROWTH CHALLENGE FOSTER A HIGH-QUALITY CONNECTION ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grwcpzc0vhgkjj9qb6cz6wyx)) GROWTH CHALLENGE ACTIVE CONSTRUCTIVE RESPONDING ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grwcset066hjg1fyx2p89d7s)) Ways of Responding to Positive News ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grwct1d33hkqwqc4weqkw47s)) - 💭 active destructive: demeaning the event active constructive: enthusiastic support, asking questions, capitalizing on positive passive destructive: ignore, focus to self passive constructive: quiet, understated supprot The Challenge ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grwcwkz1q2fxnfskxdsh3gg5)) Start paying attention to how you respond to them when they relay good news ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grwcwryq067h5qth7x3syyfh)) Reflect: What keeps you from responding actively/constructively with this person? ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grwcxfx23apshx5tp7019n9b)) Find at least three opportunities to use Active Constructive Responding with this person. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grwdgph3qmc49ba2hkvph4rb)) Did you notice anything change in the dynamic between the two of you? What, if anything, did you learn from this exercise? ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grwdgxwstq16qz1sn817gsg5)) GROWTH CHALLENGE PRACTICE HEALTHY ASSERTIVENESS ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grwdh15ge9wth2p1jfywyf7h)) Practicing assertiveness involves employing a communication style that enables open and honest exchange with others and demonstrates that you are in control of your own behavior and actions. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grwdhe3bq2sxfkanz1f3r66s)) Briefly list one to three situations in your life in which you would like to become more assertive (and less passive, passive-aggressive, or aggressive). Complete the following sentences: - I act most passive when: **\*\*\*\***\*\***\*\*\*\***\_\_**\*\*\*\***\*\***\*\*\*\*** - I often become aggressive when: **\*\***\*\***\*\***\_\_\_**\*\***\*\***\*\*** - My biggest fear of being assertive is: \***\*\*\*\*\*\*\***\_\_\_\_\***\*\*\*\*\*\*\*** - The one to three people in my life with whom I find it hardest to be assertive are: ****\*\*****\*\*****\*\*****\_\_\_\_****\*\*****\*\*****\*\***** - I am already quite assertive when: **\*\***\*\***\*\***\_\_**\*\***\*\***\*\*** ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01grwdmv31qjwejce7k22a64zn)) ### New highlights added July 22, 2024 at 2:46 PM Humans have developed a capacity for growth unprecedented in the animal kingdom. We are truly unique in the long time scale of our goals and in the flexibility to choose which goals we most wish to prioritize, and therefore in the number of ways we can self-actualize. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j3e5j8a0f80z56a8e3w50pxf)) The good life is not something you will ever achieve. It’s a way of living. As Carl Rogers noted, “The good life is a *process,* not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.”[41](59) This process won’t always bring feelings of happiness, contentment, and bliss, and it may even sometimes cause pain and heartache. It’s not for the “faint-hearted,” as Rogers notes, as it requires continually stretching outside your comfort zone as you realize more and more of your potentialities and launch yourself “fully into the stream of life.”[42](60) Just like it takes courage to open your sail on a sailboat and see where the winds will take you, it takes a lot of courage to become the best version of yourself. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j3e5regs4t57d64d1m5w7yhf)) - 💭 emphasizes the being mode of being on a pathless path, also emphasizing how it's not hedonistic ### New highlights added September 12, 2024 at 7:20 PM It’s as though these individuals were ready to activate any of the three brain networks at a moment’s notice. Put another way, their *whole* self was on call. ([View Highlight](https://read.readwise.io/read/01j7maewa7gqsqakd636vdjnd5))