*An 80% done draft as it was mostly still in the lens of my reflection rather than actually tying in the social component of [[Maslow's hierarchy of needs]] and having a proper conclusion.* No matter how close I am with someone, I struggle to keep in touch with them during new phases in my life: - After spending 12 years of my life with my elementary and high school best friends playing games for up to 16 hours a day, I ended up rarely talking to them after moving to British Columbia for university. - As I began university, I joined friend groups with fellow computer science freshmen and an online server to get to know each other before classes even started. However, despite relationships founded on memories like daily online studying sessions during COVID, fun campus shenanigans, and exploring this new city, I ended up drifting apart when I landed my first software developer internship. - Unfortunately, even close-knit coworkers like a fellow intern I spent time with every day ~~raiding the office pantry for cookies and carolina reapers, having random discussions on whether your shoe could be morally responsible for your death if you were to be shot with a gun, and mastering foosball~~ working and learning front-end development with split paths when I switched to my new internship at SAP. - The relationships I built here followed the same fate. One year of collaboration with my close-knit team, weekly mentorship meetings, and intern social events only led to distant memories as I no longer visit the office. - And now, as I spend more time with other creatives and builders doing cool stuff in Vancouver before I leave, I'm preparing for it to happen once more 🥲 I'm unsure if it's because of [[Object impermanence]], but I've never had a friendship that survives beyond the social environment in which I met them. Yes, I feel comfortable reaching out to these countless influential people in my life to connect like the good old days, but I find it hard to maintain this consistency over the long run. The foundation in which you connect becomes the biggest separator. During these temporary phases, differences in personalities or interests can initially be easily overlooked as we bond over shared goals of passing classes or building software. But what social scaffolding will remain when you find yourself in new environments? So, the question on my mind when this happened was: what would a friendship that is durable for a lifetime look like? The first time I could give you a glimpse into an answer was in December 2022 when I received an unexpected comment on a YouTube update video I made months after its upload:  Little did I know that Aidan's comment and my reply to it would blossom into a devoted online friendship of 1.5 years, one where we can even voluntarily spend up to 5 times a week on calls 🤯 But let's fast-forward to when I first started writing this piece on June 14th, marking the final day of a two-week adventure, the first time seeing each other in person for the first time. %% https://drive.google.com/file/d/1jEYa4haC9f7UKcmGN81MKYV5QE46GYKw/view?usp=drive_link %%  Beyond the memorable experiences, I've had insights that planted seeds of thought on how I want to live my 20's. But before I share about them and the experience as a whole, I think it'd be nice to explore how this social anomaly was even possible in the first place despite my previous history 😅 ### How does this even happen ??? As I mentioned in my previous social reflections (ex., [[Self-improvement does not have to be lonely]]), I cherish authenticity and connecting with people over shared interests and values. But as I continue to follow my curiosity into the [[Digital Universe|depths of the internet]], I sometimes have to sacrifice the shared interests holding my friendships together. As Henrik Karlsson puts it, ![[A Blog Post Is a Very Long and Complex Search Query to Find Fascinating People and Make Them Route Interesting Stuff to Your Inbox#^zv2tfl]] Thanks to the internet, I've been able to explore countless niche passions throughout my life in great detail, like competitive eSports and personal knowledge management 😅 However, these hyper-specialized interests further amplify the disconnect from your physical environment as you find more fulfillment in online communities formed from these shared interests. Combine this with my natural change of self when entering new phases in life, and it can be hard to maintain relationships founded on proximity. When discussing this dilemma with Aidan to see how he navigates this himself, we came to two fundamental values that I realized have been monumental to our friendship: curiosity and open-mindedness. Curiosity helps maintain novelty. Friendships can stagnate when the time spent together consists solely of catching up. However, learning new topics and the self-discovery from answering each other's thought-provoking questions results in a never-ending, fulfilling intellectual journey. Despite consistently calling at least 3 hours a week, his inhuman amount of time spent reading and his willingness to dive deep into even the more mundane recollections of the past week helped overcome the potential mundanity of routine and familiarity. In addition, open-mindedness complements our curiosities by being empathetic and receptive to the other person's evolving uniqueness. As much as we both may seem similar on the surface of our brands, there are some considerable differences: - He grew up deeply immersed in the outdoors and physical activities, while I value my indoors and online heritage 🤪 - My (former) studies and career have focused on software development, while he is still in school doing nothing remotely close — human development. - He LOVES reading fiction books and films, while I've never had a Netflix account, and most of the fiction books I've read were during high school class 🤐 - He is boldly social, while I can sometimes want to retreat for weeks socially 😵‍💫 When we went to the local social group Atelier, he spent the 2 hours you're supposed to spend working on your projects entirely on meeting new people and having conversations. I, on the other hand, went to work straight away because I was already socially running on fumes after spending so much 1-1 time with him 😅 But instead of these polar opposite aspects hindering us from understanding each other and being protective of our beliefs, we seek to cultivate [[Wisdom]] and connectedness with the world by triangulating the middle ground in between. For example, for the past year, I've mostly followed a Soylent meal replacement diet because I find it more convenient to get my recommended dietary needs without having to meal prep or spend hours a day solo cooking. On the complete opposite side of the spectrum, Aidan does it as a consistent activity with his family 😅 A bonus point I'd like to add, which I feel is more prominent in Aidan himself, is his sheer positivity and enthusiasm — his zest for life, as he calls it. It got to the point where I even tried getting him to say something wrong about the trip or any interactions we've had throughout ~~to cancel and expose him~~. Still, his default lens of empathy overrides any personal dissatisfaction that can spiral into unnecessary social conflict. This helped a lot with having positive social experiences: - A high level of mutual understanding aids in collaboratively overcoming potential conflicts without any underlying resentment. - Staying true to his brand roots, bouncing ideas off of him on how to gamify experiences (ex., better-appreciating downtown Vancouver by doing street photography challenges) keeps moments lively and memorable. Thanks to this social authenticity and connectedness, the once-isolating pursuit of self-actualization has become compatible and ultimately enhanced. Without it, I wouldn't have come to the following realizations about myself. ### On self This trip gave me space to grapple with a personal truth: I'm not as emotionally vulnerable and sensitive as I used to be. Words of affirmation used to be one of my most natural and frequent ways of showing appreciation to friends and partners, but during this trip, I felt I didn't say anything to the level I wanted to. I don't know if it's the implicit stereotype that men usually bond over shared activities instead of conversation, but I found myself suppressed from doing so. Instead, during this trip, I expressed my feelings through quality time and acts of service. Aside from romantic interests, the last time I recall spending so much time with friends was playing video games in elementary school during the summer 😅 It's a delicate balance: on one hand, it protects me from intense feelings of anxious attachment like with previous partings. I end up listening to the rational part of my mind telling me how the past two weeks have been one of my favorite summer highlights (or of life period), and I should cherish that since our friendship will only continue to strengthen and evolve online until next year when we will probably see each other again in person. We've been very close online friends for the past 1.5 years, sometimes calling up to 5 times a week — and based on how well the trip went, it would only be strengthened. But on the other hand, it would have been fun to feel the full range of emotions afforded by further vulnerability and expression. Despite these feelings not being explicitly expressed, reminiscing about the past two weeks has been accompanied by a deep sense of appreciation. Just like in the anime [[Frieren]], even though the journey is over, I can still find immense meaning in the recollection of the experience. If we take the lens of [[Ecological Psychology]] and view [[Memory as a verb rather than noun]], then we can continue to nurture these experiences beyond when they happen to understand them further. Just like how knowledge compounds with [[Evergreen Notes]], these stories can continue to tell us more about ourselves and the world with the power of reflection. This has also helped me navigate the dilemma of my socializing philosophy. I find myself questioning whether it is worth it to meet new people if it won't be a long-term connection, as I could instead be prioritizing the people already in my life. But if we follow this idea of memory being a verb, these previous chapters of socialization are not to be forgotten but are part of your character development and background. However, my dilemma has been figuring out how to capture these moments to help facilitate this new perspective. During the trip, I decided between a mix of photos and journals. As I brought my camera around, I could be present but then capture a quick snapshot close to the event shortly after it's been experienced and use that as a retrieval cue for my memory. Additionally, it encouraged me to get my head out of the clouds and be more mindful of the sensory experience, as I outlined in [[Are you ever alive]]. Daily logs helped me capture personal thoughts and feelings in vivid detail. However, this only partially records the experience itself as it's only based on the sensory and intellectual information I found relevant at the time. %% By combining this strengthened value of relationships and the experiences that unfold in them, I've found %% ### On self-actualization As much as I enjoy the life of leisure described in my earlier writing [[On complex second brain systems]], it's also been accompanied by an existential dilemma of how much work should be a part of my life. After two weeks of mostly leisure, I've returned with a more potent inspiration to work on projects for Linking Your Thinking and my own 😅 But simultaneously, there was something very fulfilling and rejuvenating from those two weeks. This makes me question: how rigid and balanced should my [[Work cycles|phases of work and leisure]] be? If [[Self-actualization is a moral obligation]], how much of this intrinsically driven growth should be for helping the world rather than personal fulfillment? First, I realized how much I value flexibility in my commitments and schedules. After quitting my internship in February for a more flexible role at Linking Your Thinking, I'm grateful I can experiment with these fluid cycles of heavy work and then relaxation while maintaining a satisfactory output level. In [[My Inputs/My Books/Slow Productivity|Slow Productivity]], Cal advocates for this more natural pace in comparison to our rigid, modern-day 9 to 5: ![[My Inputs/My Books/Slow Productivity#^fcu6hp]] Instead of indulgence in mindless distraction after a day of overexertion, I can cooperate with the natural rhythm of my fluctuating daily energy by intentionally recharging with more nourishing leisure— [[High quality leisure]] that fulfills the three growth needs of purpose, love, and exploration in [[Maslow's hierarchy of needs]]. I've come to prefer this flexibility over pure discipline, as it helps me be more accommodating for the unexpected events that bring me joy and meaning. Previously, when new curiosities or social opportunities arose, I neglected them because of work or my rigid time blocks. In contrast, now, I can adaptively build my work efforts around these special occasions. It allows for the resurgence of the nostalgia I felt during school summer breaks when everyone was available and open to engaging in these profound, immersive experiences. In addition to this two-week trip, whether it be spending time with family visiting from out of province or having time to watch the championship finals of my favorite eSports live at midnight, I hope valuing making time for these moments helps me become someone who can fulfill the different social roles in my life. In the future, it would pain me if I were forced to skip my child's first moments and milestones because of work deadlines. Furthermore, by opening myself up to more leisure, I've been exploring it to its highest degree: ![[Four Thousand Weeks#^p0drv8]] Despite technically making time for contemplation during my frequent periodic reviews, I sometimes felt they were hastily done as I prioritized the productivity aspects, like tracking metrics and evaluating progress toward my goals. It wasn't until when I set up [[My Alignment Philosophy]] that I developed a more balanced approach. With this free time, I've attended to other aspects of my brand beyond traditional productivity-based metrics like achievements, hours worked, and money: ![[My Inputs/My Books/The Pathless Path#^ti2u7x]] Obviously, those are all still essential for making a living from your personal brand, but optimization for only those metrics prevents me from answering higher-order questions like whether I'm on a meaningful direction traveling [[The pathless path]]. Thanks to the diverse insights from the social triangulation of wisdom I mentioned earlier, I've had more food for thought in navigating this perpetual uncertainty.