## Regrets ### Summary > [!DANGER] Top 5 regrets of the dying > > - I regret not having lived a life true to myself > - I wish I hadn't worked so hard > - I wish I had the courage to express my feelings > - I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends > - I wish I had let myself be happier ^6g399c - It's interesting how they're all more towards the personal satisfaction of one's life, not about accomplishments. I think it might be much easier to - Lots of it is about the journey, rather than the end destination. I feel looking back at such a long life, there are many moments that can build up to make you see these higher-order patterns - I guess it would also be hard to combine such different accomplishments across different people, so maybe it was inevitable that the top 5 regrets would be related to human nature? ### I regret not having lived a life true to myself This was the most commonly regretted thing and it makes sense. So often we live with others and for others and deny bits of ourselves so as to not complicate things. Being true to yourself is a hard thing to wrap your head around if you've barely ever thought about what it is that you want to be. Almost everyone has a hobby or career that they would have liked to try out. Or perhaps a relationship they wished they had ended that wasn't serving them anymore. Don't waste time waiting for life to start. Make every moment count. ### I wish I hadn't worked so hard > On her deathbed, Grace wished she had spent more time creating memories with her children and less time worrying about financial stability. She realized that the most valuable gift she could have given her children was her presence. Ware describes a tragic tale of a man who's wife begged him to retire, but he didn't want to. She wanted to take trips and spend more time with him, and he finally agreed to retire in a year. But before that could happen she got sick and died, and he was stuck alone with enormous amounts of guilt. It's funny how our work and careers seem to define us while we're young, and how little they seem to matter in the end. #### Reasons - Missed relationships and connections - Don't miss out on people's formative years - Neglected personal fulfillment through leisure - Physical and mental health - Prioritization on intrinsic vs extrinsic desires ### I wish I had the courage to express my feelings Ware devotes four different cases to this regret, and the stories are touching and sad. "Don't take people for granted", one of her patients told her. Make sure you tell people how much you love and appreciate them while you still have the chance. For those that don't, they are stuck with this regret that their relationships weren't as honest and rewarding as they could have been. ### I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends People come and go in our lives. Once gone, many of the dying patients regretted not re-connecting with the dearest friends who had drifted away. Ware went to great lengths to find three elderly friends for one lady, and was able to connect with one by phone that made this woman's last days much richer. Nursing homes can be lonely places, but not because there aren't other people there. They are lonely because the people there don't have a history of knowing the real person they were when they were young, vibrant and full of life. Losing those lifelong friendships causes a disconnection with the past. ### I wish I had let myself be happier "Happiness is a choice," one of the dying patients tells us. Impending death makes people reflect on happiness and the choices that they made. You can be wealthy and miserable, just like you can be poor and grateful. A lot of happiness relates to how you react to your circumstances, not the circumstances themselves. "Don't worry about the little stuff- only love matters," is what another dying person tells us.